breslev.co.il - The King’s Little Children: "
Home Family Children and Education
The King’s Little Children
By: Rabbi Lazer Brody
I've said many times that damage to the soul is far more serious than damage to the body. Remember this important rule: A broken bone heals much faster than a broken heart. This rule holds especially true with children.
During the Gaza War last year when for six weeks, Katyusha rockets were falling on my beloved hometown of Ashdod three times a day, I saw an unforgettable site: a courageous little boy of eight was getting a wound stitched without the help of anesthetic; the little hero didn't emit the tiniest whimper. Yet, the very same child could completely lose his entire emotional equilibrium when viciously insulted by parents.
Contrary to popular opinion, our children are not ours; they are precious divine souls that by The Almighty's grace have been entrusted to us for safekeeping and for educating until they're old enough to stand on their own. Children are not our servants, and certainly not our slaves. The tasks we give them to perform in and around the household should be designed as an integral part of their education - our helping them to prepare for life - and not for the purpose of lowering our domestic or garden help expenses.
By religious law, we are required to speak to our children with the same respect that we'd speak to any adult stranger. Just as we have a duty to protect our children's physical health, we have a duty to protect their emotional health. Parents with no training, knowledge, or awareness of what proper child education is according to Torah statutes are often the prime causes of their children's emotional difficulties. One can be a stern parent and a good disciplinarian without attacking the child's dignity. On the contrary, a child who knows that he or she is loved, respected, and held in high esteem will readily fulfill the parents' will. A child who lives under a reign of tyranny will revolt at the first opportunity.
Education, yes; tyranny and insult, no! On the bottom line, we should treat our children like miniature dignitaries, as if the King entrusted His own little child into our care. You know what? That's exactly what they are - The King's own little children!
(We invite you to visit Rabbi Lazer Brody’s award-winning daily web journal Lazer Beams)
Friday, December 18, 2009
breslev.co.il - The King’s Little Children: "
Home Family Children and Education
The King’s Little Children
By: Rabbi Lazer Brody
I've said many times that damage to the soul is far more serious than damage to the body. Remember this important rule: A broken bone heals much faster than a broken heart. This rule holds especially true with children.
During the Gaza War last year when for six weeks, Katyusha rockets were falling on my beloved hometown of Ashdod three times a day, I saw an unforgettable site: a courageous little boy of eight was getting a wound stitched without the help of anesthetic; the little hero didn't emit the tiniest whimper. Yet, the very same child could completely lose his entire emotional equilibrium when viciously insulted by parents.
Contrary to popular opinion, our children are not ours; they are precious divine souls that by The Almighty's grace have been entrusted to us for safekeeping and for educating until they're old enough to stand on their own. Children are not our servants, and certainly not our slaves. The tasks we give them to perform in and around the household should be designed as an integral part of their education - our helping them to prepare for life - and not for the purpose of lowering our domestic or garden help expenses.
By religious law, we are required to speak to our children with the same respect that we'd speak to any adult stranger. Just as we have a duty to protect our children's physical health, we have a duty to protect their emotional health. Parents with no training, knowledge, or awareness of what proper child education is according to Torah statutes are often the prime causes of their children's emotional difficulties. One can be a stern parent and a good disciplinarian without attacking the child's dignity. On the contrary, a child who knows that he or she is loved, respected, and held in high esteem will readily fulfill the parents' will. A child who lives under a reign of tyranny will revolt at the first opportunity.
Education, yes; tyranny and insult, no! On the bottom line, we should treat our children like miniature dignitaries, as if the King entrusted His own little child into our care. You know what? That's exactly what they are - The King's own little children!
(We invite you to visit Rabbi Lazer Brody’s award-winning daily web journal Lazer Beams)
breslev.co.il - The King’s Little Children: "
Home Family Children and Education
The King’s Little Children
By: Rabbi Lazer Brody
I've said many times that damage to the soul is far more serious than damage to the body. Remember this important rule: A broken bone heals much faster than a broken heart. This rule holds especially true with children.
During the Gaza War last year when for six weeks, Katyusha rockets were falling on my beloved hometown of Ashdod three times a day, I saw an unforgettable site: a courageous little boy of eight was getting a wound stitched without the help of anesthetic; the little hero didn't emit the tiniest whimper. Yet, the very same child could completely lose his entire emotional equilibrium when viciously insulted by parents.
Contrary to popular opinion, our children are not ours; they are precious divine souls that by The Almighty's grace have been entrusted to us for safekeeping and for educating until they're old enough to stand on their own. Children are not our servants, and certainly not our slaves. The tasks we give them to perform in and around the household should be designed as an integral part of their education - our helping them to prepare for life - and not for the purpose of lowering our domestic or garden help expenses.
By religious law, we are required to speak to our children with the same respect that we'd speak to any adult stranger. Just as we have a duty to protect our children's physical health, we have a duty to protect their emotional health. Parents with no training, knowledge, or awareness of what proper child education is according to Torah statutes are often the prime causes of their children's emotional difficulties. One can be a stern parent and a good disciplinarian without attacking the child's dignity. On the contrary, a child who knows that he or she is loved, respected, and held in high esteem will readily fulfill the parents' will. A child who lives under a reign of tyranny will revolt at the first opportunity.
Education, yes; tyranny and insult, no! On the bottom line, we should treat our children like miniature dignitaries, as if the King entrusted His own little child into our care. You know what? That's exactly what they are - The King's own little children!
(We invite you to visit Rabbi Lazer Brody’s award-winning daily web journal Lazer Beams)
breslev.co.il - The King’s Little Children: "
Home Family Children and Education
The King’s Little Children
By: Rabbi Lazer Brody
I've said many times that damage to the soul is far more serious than damage to the body. Remember this important rule: A broken bone heals much faster than a broken heart. This rule holds especially true with children.
During the Gaza War last year when for six weeks, Katyusha rockets were falling on my beloved hometown of Ashdod three times a day, I saw an unforgettable site: a courageous little boy of eight was getting a wound stitched without the help of anesthetic; the little hero didn't emit the tiniest whimper. Yet, the very same child could completely lose his entire emotional equilibrium when viciously insulted by parents.
Contrary to popular opinion, our children are not ours; they are precious divine souls that by The Almighty's grace have been entrusted to us for safekeeping and for educating until they're old enough to stand on their own. Children are not our servants, and certainly not our slaves. The tasks we give them to perform in and around the household should be designed as an integral part of their education - our helping them to prepare for life - and not for the purpose of lowering our domestic or garden help expenses.
By religious law, we are required to speak to our children with the same respect that we'd speak to any adult stranger. Just as we have a duty to protect our children's physical health, we have a duty to protect their emotional health. Parents with no training, knowledge, or awareness of what proper child education is according to Torah statutes are often the prime causes of their children's emotional difficulties. One can be a stern parent and a good disciplinarian without attacking the child's dignity. On the contrary, a child who knows that he or she is loved, respected, and held in high esteem will readily fulfill the parents' will. A child who lives under a reign of tyranny will revolt at the first opportunity.
Education, yes; tyranny and insult, no! On the bottom line, we should treat our children like miniature dignitaries, as if the King entrusted His own little child into our care. You know what? That's exactly what they are - The King's own little children!
(We invite you to visit Rabbi Lazer Brody’s award-winning daily web journal Lazer Beams)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Art of Jewish Healing 2
Jewish Wisdom and Healing
http://akoven.tripod.com/jewishhealingtherapies/id20.html
RABBI NACHMAN OF BRESLOV USED TO SAY:
"There are those who are afraid to enjoy what they have today because they always worry about tomorrow."
May they soon discover they are missing the delicious joy
and sweet pleasures of the present moment.
The Torah teaches us to be ready to laugh. Laugh loudly, laugh often. Adults average 12 laughs a day. Children laugh over 400 times a day. Become a child in your laughter. You will feel great and inspire healing!
Tell people how much you care about them. You will be surprised at the love you get back.
Love increases joy and joy is the supreme healer!
Smile at strangers. Smile even when you don't feel like smiling. Smile at friends, smile at your family, smile at your pets, smile at nature, smile when you are alone, smile for the joy at being alive, smile for the goodness you can choose each and everyday of your life. Smile and let your soul sing for joy! Smile and feel the healing forces well up inside you!
Make friends. Friends promote healing.
Refuse to get involved in "my story is worse than yours" contests. You don't have to complain about your friends, parents, kids, boss, or significant other. Complaining discourages healing.
Be gracious...
Gratitude begets appreciation. Appreciated people feel happier. Having happy people surround you has an immeasurable affect on your healing.
Bad moods can be contagious. Move away from bad moods both
in yourself and others. Work on releasing negativity in
your thinking. It overpowers healing.
Practice Bitichon v'Emunah
The Art of Jewish Healing 2
Jewish Wisdom and Healing
http://akoven.tripod.com/jewishhealingtherapies/id20.html
RABBI NACHMAN OF BRESLOV USED TO SAY:
"There are those who are afraid to enjoy what they have today because they always worry about tomorrow."
May they soon discover they are missing the delicious joy
and sweet pleasures of the present moment.
The Torah teaches us to be ready to laugh. Laugh loudly, laugh often. Adults average 12 laughs a day. Children laugh over 400 times a day. Become a child in your laughter. You will feel great and inspire healing!
Tell people how much you care about them. You will be surprised at the love you get back.
Love increases joy and joy is the supreme healer!
Smile at strangers. Smile even when you don't feel like smiling. Smile at friends, smile at your family, smile at your pets, smile at nature, smile when you are alone, smile for the joy at being alive, smile for the goodness you can choose each and everyday of your life. Smile and let your soul sing for joy! Smile and feel the healing forces well up inside you!
Make friends. Friends promote healing.
Refuse to get involved in "my story is worse than yours" contests. You don't have to complain about your friends, parents, kids, boss, or significant other. Complaining discourages healing.
Be gracious...
Gratitude begets appreciation. Appreciated people feel happier. Having happy people surround you has an immeasurable affect on your healing.
Bad moods can be contagious. Move away from bad moods both
in yourself and others. Work on releasing negativity in
your thinking. It overpowers healing.
Practice Bitichon v'Emunah
The Art of Jewish Healing 2
Jewish Wisdom and Healing
http://akoven.tripod.com/jewishhealingtherapies/id20.html
RABBI NACHMAN OF BRESLOV USED TO SAY:
"There are those who are afraid to enjoy what they have today because they always worry about tomorrow."
May they soon discover they are missing the delicious joy
and sweet pleasures of the present moment.
The Torah teaches us to be ready to laugh. Laugh loudly, laugh often. Adults average 12 laughs a day. Children laugh over 400 times a day. Become a child in your laughter. You will feel great and inspire healing!
Tell people how much you care about them. You will be surprised at the love you get back.
Love increases joy and joy is the supreme healer!
Smile at strangers. Smile even when you don't feel like smiling. Smile at friends, smile at your family, smile at your pets, smile at nature, smile when you are alone, smile for the joy at being alive, smile for the goodness you can choose each and everyday of your life. Smile and let your soul sing for joy! Smile and feel the healing forces well up inside you!
Make friends. Friends promote healing.
Refuse to get involved in "my story is worse than yours" contests. You don't have to complain about your friends, parents, kids, boss, or significant other. Complaining discourages healing.
Be gracious...
Gratitude begets appreciation. Appreciated people feel happier. Having happy people surround you has an immeasurable affect on your healing.
Bad moods can be contagious. Move away from bad moods both
in yourself and others. Work on releasing negativity in
your thinking. It overpowers healing.
Practice Bitichon v'Emunah
The Art of Jewish Healing 2
Jewish Wisdom and Healing
http://akoven.tripod.com/jewishhealingtherapies/id20.html
RABBI NACHMAN OF BRESLOV USED TO SAY:
"There are those who are afraid to enjoy what they have today because they always worry about tomorrow."
May they soon discover they are missing the delicious joy
and sweet pleasures of the present moment.
The Torah teaches us to be ready to laugh. Laugh loudly, laugh often. Adults average 12 laughs a day. Children laugh over 400 times a day. Become a child in your laughter. You will feel great and inspire healing!
Tell people how much you care about them. You will be surprised at the love you get back.
Love increases joy and joy is the supreme healer!
Smile at strangers. Smile even when you don't feel like smiling. Smile at friends, smile at your family, smile at your pets, smile at nature, smile when you are alone, smile for the joy at being alive, smile for the goodness you can choose each and everyday of your life. Smile and let your soul sing for joy! Smile and feel the healing forces well up inside you!
Make friends. Friends promote healing.
Refuse to get involved in "my story is worse than yours" contests. You don't have to complain about your friends, parents, kids, boss, or significant other. Complaining discourages healing.
Be gracious...
Gratitude begets appreciation. Appreciated people feel happier. Having happy people surround you has an immeasurable affect on your healing.
Bad moods can be contagious. Move away from bad moods both
in yourself and others. Work on releasing negativity in
your thinking. It overpowers healing.
Practice Bitichon v'Emunah
Monday, November 16, 2009
You are What you Wear
by: Gila Manolson
Tzniut (translated loosely as modesty) begins with a different way of looking at yourself. Usually, we perceive things simply as they appear on the surface. We look at a house and see its windows, doors, and roof. We look at a tree and see its trunk, branches, and leaves.
Yet every object or scene has more than one aspect to it, and if put in a different light, can become more than what it initially appeared to be. An old, gnarled tree becomes a stirring statement of the ability to endure and transcend time. Hebrew inscribed tombstone in a neglected Polish cemetery becomes a soul crying out from a lost world. Even a single object can take on very different or even opposite meanings. The Kotel (Western Wall) can be a symbol of mourning over the Jewish nation's fall from its former glory; yet, if viewed differently, that same wall can communicate hope and rebirth.
As a human being, you are the most multifaceted creation of all, and can be seen in an almost infinite number of ways. Upon meeting you for the first time, people may immediately see "stocky build" or "curly hair." After spending a bit of time with you, they may notice "artistic" or "athletic." After getting to know you, they may be able to see you as "emotionally complex" or "a highly abstract thinker." And just as others can view you on different planes, so, too, there are any number of ways in which you can view yourself.
Tzniut begins with looking past your more superficial layers and seeing who, on the deepest level, you are capable of being. Tzniut then means gradually learning how to convey an important message to others -- and instilling it in yourself.
The message that tzniut asks you to project is "internality": that of all the parts of you, it is your innermost self by which you want to be defined. In order to convey this message, you must know when and how to reveal your body, your abilities, and everything else that makes you up, so that these don't hide but instead express who you really are. The challenge of tzniut is to project every aspect of yourself in such a way that it draws the focus to your true identity.
Tzniut means knowing and communicating to others that your identity equals your innermost self. The way to project this message is to transform the outside layers of yourself into an expression of your inside. This can be difficult, for the more obvious, superficial parts of you can easily outshine your deeper dimensions. As any photographer knows, too much light can wash out the subtlety and beauty of a photograph. In the same way, when all of your own light shines unfiltered, your inner self can be lost from the picture.
The most outer, visible part of you, and that which can most easily destroy an internal self-image, is your physical self -- your body.
More Than Skin-Deep
According to Judaism, God wanted us to enjoy an existence in which our physicality wouldn't stand in the way of defining ourselves internally. God therefore gave the first man and woman a great gift: the inborn ability to see each other in their totality.
With this perfect vision, man and woman saw each other's outer self and inner self as one inseparable unit. When man looked at woman, he simultaneously saw her mind, heart, and spirit. At the same moment that woman appreciated man's appearance, she appreciated who he really was.
When man and woman made their fatal mistake in the Garden of Eden, they destroyed their vision. An illusion-creating screen was lowered in front of their eyes. Viewing each other through this screen, body and soul suddenly appeared to be two distinct entities. The physical self had seemingly disconnected from the spiritual self and assumed an independent identity. And the powerful light which the body now beamed outshone the light of the soul.
This fallen state describes the way we humans today view one another. For all of us, it is practically impossible not to identify a person with his or her outside.
To see how true this is, think of someone close to you whom you haven't seen for some time. Now imagine running into her and discovering that she's dyed her hair and completely restyled it, gained 100 pounds, and undergone cosmetic surgery which has radically changed her features. It's probably difficult for you to internalize the fact she is still the same person. We want to identify one another by our inner selves, but the ability eludes us.
Originally, when they saw body and soul as one, man and woman had been naked and unashamed. Now, for the first time, they instinctively felt the need to put something on.
The meaning we ascribe to clothes can be understood by looking at who we expect to wear them. For example, no one I know has ever exclaimed in shock, "That dog is walking the streets stark naked! Whatever has happened to decency?!" (While some poodles may wear sweaters, those who don't aren't held to be in flagrant violation of canine norms.)
We do expect a human being, however, under normal circumstances, to wear some amount of clothing. Yet how much depends largely upon his or her age. My neighbors found it adorably entertaining when one of my children, then a toddler, innocently showed up at their front door straight from the bathtub. If the same child were to repeat that behavior at age ten, however, I suspect they'd be less amused. And if the visitor were an adult, they'd probably slam the door, lock it, and call the police.
From the above examples, a theme emerges. The more we understand a being to have a beyond-physical dimension, the more of his or her body we expect to be covered. A dog can trot around au naturel without offending or even being thought of as "naked," since we understand (if animal lovers will please forgive me) that an animal is not much more than it appears to be -- an essentially physical being, governed by its senses and instincts. Because a baby's existence is similar to that of an animal, no one blushes at the sight of its bare bottom; at the same time, we do call it "naked" in recognition of its human potential. A ten-year-old, however, is considerably more than an animal (although some parents may jokingly disagree), and a twenty-year-old even more so -- which is why an adult who parades around without clothes isn't called cute, but an exhibitionist.
Clothing, however, does more than distinguish between people and animals. Within adult society (despite deteriorating sensitivity to these issues), there's a distinct correlation between the mental and spiritual qualities we associate with a person in a given situation and how much of his or her body we expect to be covered. For example, it's socially acceptable to wear very little at the pool side, because sunning and swimming are activities which pertain to the physical you. It would not, however, be appropriate to receive a Nobel prize in your bathing suit. After their initial shock, those present would undoubtedly question, "Why is he dressing like a Mr. Universe contestant when he's being acclaimed for his mind?"
Covering your body, therefore, is the most fundamental way of using your outside to tell others who you are on the inside. Clothing makes the statement: "I am much more than what meets the eye. If you want to see the real me, you'll have to look deeper."
Reflected Images
What we often fail to realize is that the message of clothing is directed not only outward, to others, but also inward. What you wear powerfully affects how you see yourself.
Let's digress for a moment to the topic of style. Whether consciously or unconsciously chosen, your style of dress creates an impression of yourself in your own mind. For instance, I have a friend who got all dressed up to take her comprehensive exams for her Master's degree. When I jokingly asked her if she had a date with her professor, she replied, "Remember the book 'Dress for Success'? Looking my best helps give me the confidence I'm going to need to ace those exams."
I myself once read a book called "How to Marry the Rich" (just for fun anyway, I was already married). The author advises aspiring gold diggers to make a habit of entering exclusive boutiques and trying on the most expensive clothing available. The logic is that by repeatedly experiencing yourself in $1,000 dresses or suits, you'll come to see yourself as rich -- which will in turn give you the air necessary to successfully mingle with and meet millionaires.
Once, a participant in a program I was teaching in took issue with me, hotly denying any connection between his attire and his self-image. This guy "happened" to be wearing a faded T-shirt, torn jeans, and running shoes, as well as a beard and ponytail. So I told him, "Okay, if your appearance means nothing to you, come back tomorrow with a short haircut, clean-shaven, and in a three-piece suit." He stuttered and stammered, made a weak attempt at defending himself, and then sheepishly conceded the point.
All in all, when you put on clothes, you simultaneously put on a self-image. You can probably think of clothes you would never wear, even in the privacy of your own bedroom, simply because they're "not you." Indeed, the defensiveness, and even outright hostility, I often encounter when talking about the Jewish approach to dress testifies to how intensely our self-image is bound up with what we wear. People intuitively recognize that reconsidering their wardrobe ultimately means reconsidering who they want to be.
Public Arena
Despite the significance of style to self-image, however, the central issue in tzniut is not whether to dress rich or poor, earthy or businesslike. The important choice is whether to draw attention to who you are on the outside -- your body -- or the inside -- your being. You can dress any way you like, as long as you radiate the message that you are first and foremost not a body but a person.
When you enter the public arena, the impact of your dress on your self-image is compounded. First, others naturally respond to the statement you appear to be making. Stating "conventional" with a pinstriped suit and tie, for example, will get one kind of response, while broadcasting "unconventional" with Turkish pants and six or seven earrings will get another. More importantly, clothing which proclaims "body" will attract a response very different from clothing which projects "internal being."
This social feedback, particularly if positive, then cycles back into your self-image. Perceiving yourself more strongly in a particular light, you are now even more likely to dress the same way again. Sociologists call this "symbolic interactions": how you see yourself, how you dress, and how others respond to you create a spiral in which each reinforces the other, propelling you more and more strongly in a certain direction.
Of course, it helps to defend yourself. If, when whistled at by construction workers, a woman closes her eyes and recites, "I am a spiritual being, I am a spiritual being," she stands a better chance of surviving the experience with her selfhood intact than if she lives for such attention. But supposed clarity about your inner worth ("I know who I am no matter what") does not make you immune to how others relate to you. Simply put, it is naive to believe that repeated assaults -- even subtle ones -- won't slowly but surely erode a deeper sense of self. Social feedback is a major contributor to your self image.
Community Norms
Just as an individual's attire makes a "self-statement," a community's standards of dress make a collective statement about how its members unconsciously view and value themselves. Because we're conditioned to accept dressing a certain way as "normal," we usually can't identify the collective statement made by our own society -- until we step out of it.
When we were first married, my husband and I lived in the Old City of Jerusalem. Constantly barraged by tourists in all kinds of apparel, I maintained most of the immunity to minimally attired people I had acquired during my pre-religious life. Later, however, we moved to our present neighborhood, where it's unusual to see a person dressed "immodestly." One day, two or three years after our move, I was standing outside our building when a sports car pulled up and a couple got out. He had on skin-tight pants and a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest; she was sporting a low-cut blouse, a cling miniskirt, and spike heels. I looked at them, and my spontaneous, uncensored reaction was, "I don't get it. What's he trying to prove -- and why is she dressed like a streetwalker?"
Immediately I was startled and ashamed. How could I have thought such terrible things about two people I didn't even know? And why, after a lifetime of exposure to similarly dressed people, only now? Suddenly I realized that I'd once unconsciously accepted as "normal" men and (especially) women presenting themselves physically. After a few years of living among people whose dress reflected a deeper sense of self, I'd internalized a different norm. With an almost childlike innocence, I simply couldn't understand why these people would want to advertise themselves as bodies. What to them and their society was a normal mode of self-presentation, was to me like a neon sign flashing, "Objectify me!"
This couple, were they to be delivering a paper on neurosurgery at a medical convention, would undoubtedly dress differently. Yet it is in everyday living that most of our self-image is formed. In asking us to cover more of our bodies than the surrounding society demands, Judaism is saying that presenting ourselves primarily as minds and souls shouldn't be reserved for the odd occasion. Working, shopping, studying, socializing -- in our daily lives, spiritual self-definition should be the norm.
You are What you Wear
by: Gila Manolson
Tzniut (translated loosely as modesty) begins with a different way of looking at yourself. Usually, we perceive things simply as they appear on the surface. We look at a house and see its windows, doors, and roof. We look at a tree and see its trunk, branches, and leaves.
Yet every object or scene has more than one aspect to it, and if put in a different light, can become more than what it initially appeared to be. An old, gnarled tree becomes a stirring statement of the ability to endure and transcend time. Hebrew inscribed tombstone in a neglected Polish cemetery becomes a soul crying out from a lost world. Even a single object can take on very different or even opposite meanings. The Kotel (Western Wall) can be a symbol of mourning over the Jewish nation's fall from its former glory; yet, if viewed differently, that same wall can communicate hope and rebirth.
As a human being, you are the most multifaceted creation of all, and can be seen in an almost infinite number of ways. Upon meeting you for the first time, people may immediately see "stocky build" or "curly hair." After spending a bit of time with you, they may notice "artistic" or "athletic." After getting to know you, they may be able to see you as "emotionally complex" or "a highly abstract thinker." And just as others can view you on different planes, so, too, there are any number of ways in which you can view yourself.
Tzniut begins with looking past your more superficial layers and seeing who, on the deepest level, you are capable of being. Tzniut then means gradually learning how to convey an important message to others -- and instilling it in yourself.
The message that tzniut asks you to project is "internality": that of all the parts of you, it is your innermost self by which you want to be defined. In order to convey this message, you must know when and how to reveal your body, your abilities, and everything else that makes you up, so that these don't hide but instead express who you really are. The challenge of tzniut is to project every aspect of yourself in such a way that it draws the focus to your true identity.
Tzniut means knowing and communicating to others that your identity equals your innermost self. The way to project this message is to transform the outside layers of yourself into an expression of your inside. This can be difficult, for the more obvious, superficial parts of you can easily outshine your deeper dimensions. As any photographer knows, too much light can wash out the subtlety and beauty of a photograph. In the same way, when all of your own light shines unfiltered, your inner self can be lost from the picture.
The most outer, visible part of you, and that which can most easily destroy an internal self-image, is your physical self -- your body.
More Than Skin-Deep
According to Judaism, God wanted us to enjoy an existence in which our physicality wouldn't stand in the way of defining ourselves internally. God therefore gave the first man and woman a great gift: the inborn ability to see each other in their totality.
With this perfect vision, man and woman saw each other's outer self and inner self as one inseparable unit. When man looked at woman, he simultaneously saw her mind, heart, and spirit. At the same moment that woman appreciated man's appearance, she appreciated who he really was.
When man and woman made their fatal mistake in the Garden of Eden, they destroyed their vision. An illusion-creating screen was lowered in front of their eyes. Viewing each other through this screen, body and soul suddenly appeared to be two distinct entities. The physical self had seemingly disconnected from the spiritual self and assumed an independent identity. And the powerful light which the body now beamed outshone the light of the soul.
This fallen state describes the way we humans today view one another. For all of us, it is practically impossible not to identify a person with his or her outside.
To see how true this is, think of someone close to you whom you haven't seen for some time. Now imagine running into her and discovering that she's dyed her hair and completely restyled it, gained 100 pounds, and undergone cosmetic surgery which has radically changed her features. It's probably difficult for you to internalize the fact she is still the same person. We want to identify one another by our inner selves, but the ability eludes us.
Originally, when they saw body and soul as one, man and woman had been naked and unashamed. Now, for the first time, they instinctively felt the need to put something on.
The meaning we ascribe to clothes can be understood by looking at who we expect to wear them. For example, no one I know has ever exclaimed in shock, "That dog is walking the streets stark naked! Whatever has happened to decency?!" (While some poodles may wear sweaters, those who don't aren't held to be in flagrant violation of canine norms.)
We do expect a human being, however, under normal circumstances, to wear some amount of clothing. Yet how much depends largely upon his or her age. My neighbors found it adorably entertaining when one of my children, then a toddler, innocently showed up at their front door straight from the bathtub. If the same child were to repeat that behavior at age ten, however, I suspect they'd be less amused. And if the visitor were an adult, they'd probably slam the door, lock it, and call the police.
From the above examples, a theme emerges. The more we understand a being to have a beyond-physical dimension, the more of his or her body we expect to be covered. A dog can trot around au naturel without offending or even being thought of as "naked," since we understand (if animal lovers will please forgive me) that an animal is not much more than it appears to be -- an essentially physical being, governed by its senses and instincts. Because a baby's existence is similar to that of an animal, no one blushes at the sight of its bare bottom; at the same time, we do call it "naked" in recognition of its human potential. A ten-year-old, however, is considerably more than an animal (although some parents may jokingly disagree), and a twenty-year-old even more so -- which is why an adult who parades around without clothes isn't called cute, but an exhibitionist.
Clothing, however, does more than distinguish between people and animals. Within adult society (despite deteriorating sensitivity to these issues), there's a distinct correlation between the mental and spiritual qualities we associate with a person in a given situation and how much of his or her body we expect to be covered. For example, it's socially acceptable to wear very little at the pool side, because sunning and swimming are activities which pertain to the physical you. It would not, however, be appropriate to receive a Nobel prize in your bathing suit. After their initial shock, those present would undoubtedly question, "Why is he dressing like a Mr. Universe contestant when he's being acclaimed for his mind?"
Covering your body, therefore, is the most fundamental way of using your outside to tell others who you are on the inside. Clothing makes the statement: "I am much more than what meets the eye. If you want to see the real me, you'll have to look deeper."
Reflected Images
What we often fail to realize is that the message of clothing is directed not only outward, to others, but also inward. What you wear powerfully affects how you see yourself.
Let's digress for a moment to the topic of style. Whether consciously or unconsciously chosen, your style of dress creates an impression of yourself in your own mind. For instance, I have a friend who got all dressed up to take her comprehensive exams for her Master's degree. When I jokingly asked her if she had a date with her professor, she replied, "Remember the book 'Dress for Success'? Looking my best helps give me the confidence I'm going to need to ace those exams."
I myself once read a book called "How to Marry the Rich" (just for fun anyway, I was already married). The author advises aspiring gold diggers to make a habit of entering exclusive boutiques and trying on the most expensive clothing available. The logic is that by repeatedly experiencing yourself in $1,000 dresses or suits, you'll come to see yourself as rich -- which will in turn give you the air necessary to successfully mingle with and meet millionaires.
Once, a participant in a program I was teaching in took issue with me, hotly denying any connection between his attire and his self-image. This guy "happened" to be wearing a faded T-shirt, torn jeans, and running shoes, as well as a beard and ponytail. So I told him, "Okay, if your appearance means nothing to you, come back tomorrow with a short haircut, clean-shaven, and in a three-piece suit." He stuttered and stammered, made a weak attempt at defending himself, and then sheepishly conceded the point.
All in all, when you put on clothes, you simultaneously put on a self-image. You can probably think of clothes you would never wear, even in the privacy of your own bedroom, simply because they're "not you." Indeed, the defensiveness, and even outright hostility, I often encounter when talking about the Jewish approach to dress testifies to how intensely our self-image is bound up with what we wear. People intuitively recognize that reconsidering their wardrobe ultimately means reconsidering who they want to be.
Public Arena
Despite the significance of style to self-image, however, the central issue in tzniut is not whether to dress rich or poor, earthy or businesslike. The important choice is whether to draw attention to who you are on the outside -- your body -- or the inside -- your being. You can dress any way you like, as long as you radiate the message that you are first and foremost not a body but a person.
When you enter the public arena, the impact of your dress on your self-image is compounded. First, others naturally respond to the statement you appear to be making. Stating "conventional" with a pinstriped suit and tie, for example, will get one kind of response, while broadcasting "unconventional" with Turkish pants and six or seven earrings will get another. More importantly, clothing which proclaims "body" will attract a response very different from clothing which projects "internal being."
This social feedback, particularly if positive, then cycles back into your self-image. Perceiving yourself more strongly in a particular light, you are now even more likely to dress the same way again. Sociologists call this "symbolic interactions": how you see yourself, how you dress, and how others respond to you create a spiral in which each reinforces the other, propelling you more and more strongly in a certain direction.
Of course, it helps to defend yourself. If, when whistled at by construction workers, a woman closes her eyes and recites, "I am a spiritual being, I am a spiritual being," she stands a better chance of surviving the experience with her selfhood intact than if she lives for such attention. But supposed clarity about your inner worth ("I know who I am no matter what") does not make you immune to how others relate to you. Simply put, it is naive to believe that repeated assaults -- even subtle ones -- won't slowly but surely erode a deeper sense of self. Social feedback is a major contributor to your self image.
Community Norms
Just as an individual's attire makes a "self-statement," a community's standards of dress make a collective statement about how its members unconsciously view and value themselves. Because we're conditioned to accept dressing a certain way as "normal," we usually can't identify the collective statement made by our own society -- until we step out of it.
When we were first married, my husband and I lived in the Old City of Jerusalem. Constantly barraged by tourists in all kinds of apparel, I maintained most of the immunity to minimally attired people I had acquired during my pre-religious life. Later, however, we moved to our present neighborhood, where it's unusual to see a person dressed "immodestly." One day, two or three years after our move, I was standing outside our building when a sports car pulled up and a couple got out. He had on skin-tight pants and a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest; she was sporting a low-cut blouse, a cling miniskirt, and spike heels. I looked at them, and my spontaneous, uncensored reaction was, "I don't get it. What's he trying to prove -- and why is she dressed like a streetwalker?"
Immediately I was startled and ashamed. How could I have thought such terrible things about two people I didn't even know? And why, after a lifetime of exposure to similarly dressed people, only now? Suddenly I realized that I'd once unconsciously accepted as "normal" men and (especially) women presenting themselves physically. After a few years of living among people whose dress reflected a deeper sense of self, I'd internalized a different norm. With an almost childlike innocence, I simply couldn't understand why these people would want to advertise themselves as bodies. What to them and their society was a normal mode of self-presentation, was to me like a neon sign flashing, "Objectify me!"
This couple, were they to be delivering a paper on neurosurgery at a medical convention, would undoubtedly dress differently. Yet it is in everyday living that most of our self-image is formed. In asking us to cover more of our bodies than the surrounding society demands, Judaism is saying that presenting ourselves primarily as minds and souls shouldn't be reserved for the odd occasion. Working, shopping, studying, socializing -- in our daily lives, spiritual self-definition should be the norm.
The Abandoned Baby Syndrome
Who Is Loving Our Children?
By Dr. Miriam Adahan
A well-known rabbi once said to me, "Never write anything controversial. You'll only make enemies, and it won't help." So I hesitated to write this article, knowing that 70% of mothers work and that most will continue to do so. But if this article makes even one woman think twice about returning to full-time work before her baby is 6 months of age, then it is worth the anger which may be directed my way.
I'm not opposed to women working. Many families cannot survive unless the mother works. But people must be aware that the child's emotional development is likely to be affected if she abandons her baby at 2 to 12 weeks. As a psychotherapist, I see the results of severe "mother deficit" daily. When a baby is not allowed to form a secure bond with a loving mother during his crucial first years of life, the damage can be irreversible--no less so than the damage caused to babies who do not get sufficient Vitamin B, C or D. A lack of vitamin L (Love!) can manifest itself in lifelong struggle with anxiety, depression, addictions and abuse disorders. To children, time is love. They sense the hypocrisy when parents proclaim, "I love you but don't have time for you."
When a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker I was 28 when my first child was born and felt lucky to be able to stay home for four years with her. Yet while I loved her dearly, I did suffer from loneliness as well as lack of intellectual stimulation and financial independence. Thus, seven years later, after my second child was born, I found a teaching job at a day-school near my home for three hours each morning. I gave most of my salary to a loving grandmother named Lori who did nothing but cuddle him and play with him. It was good for me to get away--I needed the structure and creative outlet which only teaching gives me. But by the time my third was born, two years later, I saw that I lacked the physical and emotional stamina to be both a good day-school teacher and a good mother. I am simply not one of those super-efficient, highly organized, energetic superwomen that we'd all like to be. So I switched to evening adult education, which was far less demanding, but provided the interaction I craved.
I am heartbroken when working mothers tell me, "I have no time to love my children. I'm on a treadmill, racing to keep up with all the demands, trying to stay one step ahead of the feared nervous breakdown. Yes, I hit and yell a lot; I'm too overwhelmed to be patient or creative." How will their children learn to love if they've never experienced love?
While working moms tend to suffer from over-stimulation, the at-home mom may feel under-stimulated and isolated, which is also painful. She may look enviously at her well-dressed neighbors who leave home for a day filled with stimulating challenges, or at least adult social interaction. She may think they are advancing intellectually and economically while she is at a standstill, unable to fulfill her intellectual or creative potential. She may be envious of the financial perks and decision-making powers afforded women who can decide on their own what to do with their earnings.
Love has become a rare commodity True, being an at-home mom does not guarantee emotional health in children. If at-home moms are depressed or addicted or bitter about having to do what they see as boring, repetitive chores, they will convey their anger in hundreds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. And mothers who over-pamper and over-protect may also raise selfish spoiled brats who have no idea how to wash a dish or figure out solutions to their problems. We all have to find a path that satisfies our own needs without sacrificing our children's welfare.
But it is tragic that our schools provide no training for motherhood and that the job of mothering is not given the respect and glory it rightfully deserves. Does G-d imbue us with all the wondrous instincts and capabilities of motherhood only that we should abandon our babies immediately after birth? Is it a matter of debate whether babies need their mothers' love? Why do people think that it does not matter who diapers or feeds a child? It matters greatly! A child is already emotionally bonded to his mother in the womb, attached to her voice and her heart rhythms. When a mother looks lovingly into her baby's eyes and is in frequent eye contact with him, she feeds his neshama, building a sense of trust in himself and in his ability to love and be loved.
Nowadays, the typical working mother has a "killer schedule" which goes something like this: "The alarm rings at 6 a.m. I must get three children, including a 6 week old baby, off to baby-sitters and be at the school where I teach by 8 a.m. I try to pump milk in the bathroom, but that means giving up my lunchtime, so I grab some nosh to get me through the day. I get home between 2 and 3 in the afternoon, depending on whether I must attend school meetings, try to sleep for an hour while the children play by themselves, but the older two often fight, which wakes me up. I must then cook, feed them and get them bathed and off to sleep, then clean the house, prepare lessons for the next day and talk to parents who call to consult with me. Then I collapse in bed. My husband complains that I'm not the happy person I used to be. I'm so on-edge that I can't relax and so tired that I just want to be left alone."
Studies have shown that when a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker. Since caretakers also know that this is a short-term arrangement, they, too, avoid becoming emotionally invested. When a mother picks her baby up after work, he may not know who she is and may look at her with apathy or fright, which she may take as a sign of rejection. He has spent the day learning how not to connect, not to cry or reach out for comfort, because there is no comfort to be gotten. While some will view apathy as a sign that he is a "good" baby, this pattern can hamper his ability to bond as an adult. While many people can handle this lifestyle and remain emotionally well-adjusted, for many, it is tragically cruel and inhumane.
Furthermore, while it is economic necessity which forces many to work, other needs are present, such as the desire to escape the chaos and endless demands of home and also to find creative and intellectual fulfillment. Many mothers seek work in order to be in a structured atmosphere which provides a sense of competency and control, which may be lacking in the home, especially if she does not feel appreciated or adequate. Before marriage, many girls overestimate their abilities and blithely promise their future husbands that they can definitely work full time, not realizing how difficult it is to juggle work and family or leave a sick baby with a stranger. Her best efforts are given at work, where she feels valued and rewarded. By the time she gets home, she is likely to be depleted and overwhelmed by her children's needs. No mother can hold her baby in a relaxed and loving manner or attend to her older children's chatter when she is exhausted and distracted by the need to shop, cook, clean and deal with a thousand and one other chores.
Thus, it is no wonder that many "emotional orphans" are angry and unhappy. This is a natural consequence of a life which leaves no room for love. Mothers with Burned-Out Mom Syndrome and children with Abandoned Baby Syndrome display symptoms which are familiar to those who have been there.
Burned-Out Mother Syndrome:
*
Resentment: How does a working mom feel when she hears her baby cry at night because he is hungry, teething, or in pain from an ear infection? Knowing that she will not be able to function the next day without sleep, can she soothe him with the loving caresses that help him feel calm and safe? And will she have the patience to respond lovingly to her children's demands after a long day at work, or will she resent them for making her life even harder with their demands and messes?
*
Anxiety: Working women with young children have the highest level of stress hormones in the world. Sleep-deprivation (less then 7 hours) raises the cortisol level while vitamin B is reduced by the use of caffeine and sugar--quick energy-boosters relied upon by harried workers. Add to this the panic gripping working woman who discovers she, the babysitter or the baby is sick. A woman's nervous system is more sensitive than a man's, and the over-production of stress hormones and C-reactive protein damages the heart and other organs over time. It's no wonder that more and more women are suffering heart attacks in this frenzied age.
*
Guilt and Shame: We all hear stories about "superwomen" who manage full time jobs and large families and still be calm, have spotless homes, be involved in community events and entertain numerous guests. Those who don't work may feel like boring drudges in comparison, unable to fulfill their intellectual goals or creative potential, while the irritable and disorganized working moms feel ashamed that they cannot achieve superwoman status or that their children have emotional disturbances or are rebellious and are often blamed by society for these problems.
And what about the emotional orphans?
Abandoned Baby Syndrome:
*
Anxiety: Cuddling develops the nervous system and builds self-worth and trust in people. Later in life, those abandoned babies often develop addictions and anxiety disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and can be paranoid, insecure and untrusting. (Could one result of this "unbonded" generation be the high number of singles, many of whom have no idea what it means to be loved and to sustain, long-term, loving relationship with another human being?)
*
Depression: Babies mourn when left alone for long periods of time. The lack of touch and attention may result in a life-long sense of unworthiness and sadness. The unspoken message when the parent drops the child off is, "Your needs are not important. You don't really matter." Children make their own conclusions based on their experiences; abandoned babies learn to believe, "I must not be worthy of love if no one loves me." (Could this be one reason that prescriptions for mood stabilizers has risen 4000% in the last 10 years?)
*
Aggression: Many children become nasty and rebellious in their attempt to achieve a sense of power and win precious drops of attention. They don't care what others think and have not been trained to share or care or respect others' feelings. Small children are often left in the care of older siblings who resent the loss of freedom and resort to cruelty to get their younger siblings to cooperate.
There is no substitute for a mothers' love! Forget quality v. quantity. Children need soothing when they are in distress, not at a scheduled time.
Who will take the time and effort to instill positive character traits in our children, teach them self-restraint, teach them to share, stand up for their rights, deal with intense emotions, plan for the future and find non-violent solutions to problems? Who will protect them from abusers in schools and neighborhoods? Not the baby-sitter!
What Can You Do?
G-d chose to give you a child. You can choose to take responsibility for him or her:
1.
Stay home for at least the first 6 months of the child's life, which sets the foundation for his future mental and physical health.
2.
Smile--a lot! Happy mothers, whether they work or not, have more well-adjusted children.
3.
Try to find part-time work so that you are gone no more than four hours a day.
4.
Work at home. Can you do freelance work or start a computer-based business?
5.
When you do have time with the kids, enjoy them! Shut the phone off between 5-8 p.m. Cherish your time with them. Show interest in the things they care about. Tell them that they, not work, are your priority in life.
6.
Lower your material standards. You won't have the fanciest home or brand-name clothing, but you will, hopefully, have saner children.
7.
If you work, don't go off again in the early evening to classes or social events. Wait until the children are asleep. They need your presence to feel loved.
8.
Get your husband involved. Women are far happier, even if they are working, if their husbands are true partners who help with the chores and child-rearing.
Love has become a rare commodity. May we all do our best to give ourselves and our children the respect, appreciation and support which we all need.
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By Dr. Miriam Adahan More articles... | RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Dr. Miriam Adahan is a psychologist, therapist, prolific author and founder of EMETT ("Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah") - a network of self-help groups dedicated to personal growth. Click here to visit her website.
About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children's books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London
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The Abandoned Baby Syndrome
Who Is Loving Our Children?
By Dr. Miriam Adahan
A well-known rabbi once said to me, "Never write anything controversial. You'll only make enemies, and it won't help." So I hesitated to write this article, knowing that 70% of mothers work and that most will continue to do so. But if this article makes even one woman think twice about returning to full-time work before her baby is 6 months of age, then it is worth the anger which may be directed my way.
I'm not opposed to women working. Many families cannot survive unless the mother works. But people must be aware that the child's emotional development is likely to be affected if she abandons her baby at 2 to 12 weeks. As a psychotherapist, I see the results of severe "mother deficit" daily. When a baby is not allowed to form a secure bond with a loving mother during his crucial first years of life, the damage can be irreversible--no less so than the damage caused to babies who do not get sufficient Vitamin B, C or D. A lack of vitamin L (Love!) can manifest itself in lifelong struggle with anxiety, depression, addictions and abuse disorders. To children, time is love. They sense the hypocrisy when parents proclaim, "I love you but don't have time for you."
When a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker I was 28 when my first child was born and felt lucky to be able to stay home for four years with her. Yet while I loved her dearly, I did suffer from loneliness as well as lack of intellectual stimulation and financial independence. Thus, seven years later, after my second child was born, I found a teaching job at a day-school near my home for three hours each morning. I gave most of my salary to a loving grandmother named Lori who did nothing but cuddle him and play with him. It was good for me to get away--I needed the structure and creative outlet which only teaching gives me. But by the time my third was born, two years later, I saw that I lacked the physical and emotional stamina to be both a good day-school teacher and a good mother. I am simply not one of those super-efficient, highly organized, energetic superwomen that we'd all like to be. So I switched to evening adult education, which was far less demanding, but provided the interaction I craved.
I am heartbroken when working mothers tell me, "I have no time to love my children. I'm on a treadmill, racing to keep up with all the demands, trying to stay one step ahead of the feared nervous breakdown. Yes, I hit and yell a lot; I'm too overwhelmed to be patient or creative." How will their children learn to love if they've never experienced love?
While working moms tend to suffer from over-stimulation, the at-home mom may feel under-stimulated and isolated, which is also painful. She may look enviously at her well-dressed neighbors who leave home for a day filled with stimulating challenges, or at least adult social interaction. She may think they are advancing intellectually and economically while she is at a standstill, unable to fulfill her intellectual or creative potential. She may be envious of the financial perks and decision-making powers afforded women who can decide on their own what to do with their earnings.
Love has become a rare commodity True, being an at-home mom does not guarantee emotional health in children. If at-home moms are depressed or addicted or bitter about having to do what they see as boring, repetitive chores, they will convey their anger in hundreds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. And mothers who over-pamper and over-protect may also raise selfish spoiled brats who have no idea how to wash a dish or figure out solutions to their problems. We all have to find a path that satisfies our own needs without sacrificing our children's welfare.
But it is tragic that our schools provide no training for motherhood and that the job of mothering is not given the respect and glory it rightfully deserves. Does G-d imbue us with all the wondrous instincts and capabilities of motherhood only that we should abandon our babies immediately after birth? Is it a matter of debate whether babies need their mothers' love? Why do people think that it does not matter who diapers or feeds a child? It matters greatly! A child is already emotionally bonded to his mother in the womb, attached to her voice and her heart rhythms. When a mother looks lovingly into her baby's eyes and is in frequent eye contact with him, she feeds his neshama, building a sense of trust in himself and in his ability to love and be loved.
Nowadays, the typical working mother has a "killer schedule" which goes something like this: "The alarm rings at 6 a.m. I must get three children, including a 6 week old baby, off to baby-sitters and be at the school where I teach by 8 a.m. I try to pump milk in the bathroom, but that means giving up my lunchtime, so I grab some nosh to get me through the day. I get home between 2 and 3 in the afternoon, depending on whether I must attend school meetings, try to sleep for an hour while the children play by themselves, but the older two often fight, which wakes me up. I must then cook, feed them and get them bathed and off to sleep, then clean the house, prepare lessons for the next day and talk to parents who call to consult with me. Then I collapse in bed. My husband complains that I'm not the happy person I used to be. I'm so on-edge that I can't relax and so tired that I just want to be left alone."
Studies have shown that when a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker. Since caretakers also know that this is a short-term arrangement, they, too, avoid becoming emotionally invested. When a mother picks her baby up after work, he may not know who she is and may look at her with apathy or fright, which she may take as a sign of rejection. He has spent the day learning how not to connect, not to cry or reach out for comfort, because there is no comfort to be gotten. While some will view apathy as a sign that he is a "good" baby, this pattern can hamper his ability to bond as an adult. While many people can handle this lifestyle and remain emotionally well-adjusted, for many, it is tragically cruel and inhumane.
Furthermore, while it is economic necessity which forces many to work, other needs are present, such as the desire to escape the chaos and endless demands of home and also to find creative and intellectual fulfillment. Many mothers seek work in order to be in a structured atmosphere which provides a sense of competency and control, which may be lacking in the home, especially if she does not feel appreciated or adequate. Before marriage, many girls overestimate their abilities and blithely promise their future husbands that they can definitely work full time, not realizing how difficult it is to juggle work and family or leave a sick baby with a stranger. Her best efforts are given at work, where she feels valued and rewarded. By the time she gets home, she is likely to be depleted and overwhelmed by her children's needs. No mother can hold her baby in a relaxed and loving manner or attend to her older children's chatter when she is exhausted and distracted by the need to shop, cook, clean and deal with a thousand and one other chores.
Thus, it is no wonder that many "emotional orphans" are angry and unhappy. This is a natural consequence of a life which leaves no room for love. Mothers with Burned-Out Mom Syndrome and children with Abandoned Baby Syndrome display symptoms which are familiar to those who have been there.
Burned-Out Mother Syndrome:
*
Resentment: How does a working mom feel when she hears her baby cry at night because he is hungry, teething, or in pain from an ear infection? Knowing that she will not be able to function the next day without sleep, can she soothe him with the loving caresses that help him feel calm and safe? And will she have the patience to respond lovingly to her children's demands after a long day at work, or will she resent them for making her life even harder with their demands and messes?
*
Anxiety: Working women with young children have the highest level of stress hormones in the world. Sleep-deprivation (less then 7 hours) raises the cortisol level while vitamin B is reduced by the use of caffeine and sugar--quick energy-boosters relied upon by harried workers. Add to this the panic gripping working woman who discovers she, the babysitter or the baby is sick. A woman's nervous system is more sensitive than a man's, and the over-production of stress hormones and C-reactive protein damages the heart and other organs over time. It's no wonder that more and more women are suffering heart attacks in this frenzied age.
*
Guilt and Shame: We all hear stories about "superwomen" who manage full time jobs and large families and still be calm, have spotless homes, be involved in community events and entertain numerous guests. Those who don't work may feel like boring drudges in comparison, unable to fulfill their intellectual goals or creative potential, while the irritable and disorganized working moms feel ashamed that they cannot achieve superwoman status or that their children have emotional disturbances or are rebellious and are often blamed by society for these problems.
And what about the emotional orphans?
Abandoned Baby Syndrome:
*
Anxiety: Cuddling develops the nervous system and builds self-worth and trust in people. Later in life, those abandoned babies often develop addictions and anxiety disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and can be paranoid, insecure and untrusting. (Could one result of this "unbonded" generation be the high number of singles, many of whom have no idea what it means to be loved and to sustain, long-term, loving relationship with another human being?)
*
Depression: Babies mourn when left alone for long periods of time. The lack of touch and attention may result in a life-long sense of unworthiness and sadness. The unspoken message when the parent drops the child off is, "Your needs are not important. You don't really matter." Children make their own conclusions based on their experiences; abandoned babies learn to believe, "I must not be worthy of love if no one loves me." (Could this be one reason that prescriptions for mood stabilizers has risen 4000% in the last 10 years?)
*
Aggression: Many children become nasty and rebellious in their attempt to achieve a sense of power and win precious drops of attention. They don't care what others think and have not been trained to share or care or respect others' feelings. Small children are often left in the care of older siblings who resent the loss of freedom and resort to cruelty to get their younger siblings to cooperate.
There is no substitute for a mothers' love! Forget quality v. quantity. Children need soothing when they are in distress, not at a scheduled time.
Who will take the time and effort to instill positive character traits in our children, teach them self-restraint, teach them to share, stand up for their rights, deal with intense emotions, plan for the future and find non-violent solutions to problems? Who will protect them from abusers in schools and neighborhoods? Not the baby-sitter!
What Can You Do?
G-d chose to give you a child. You can choose to take responsibility for him or her:
1.
Stay home for at least the first 6 months of the child's life, which sets the foundation for his future mental and physical health.
2.
Smile--a lot! Happy mothers, whether they work or not, have more well-adjusted children.
3.
Try to find part-time work so that you are gone no more than four hours a day.
4.
Work at home. Can you do freelance work or start a computer-based business?
5.
When you do have time with the kids, enjoy them! Shut the phone off between 5-8 p.m. Cherish your time with them. Show interest in the things they care about. Tell them that they, not work, are your priority in life.
6.
Lower your material standards. You won't have the fanciest home or brand-name clothing, but you will, hopefully, have saner children.
7.
If you work, don't go off again in the early evening to classes or social events. Wait until the children are asleep. They need your presence to feel loved.
8.
Get your husband involved. Women are far happier, even if they are working, if their husbands are true partners who help with the chores and child-rearing.
Love has become a rare commodity. May we all do our best to give ourselves and our children the respect, appreciation and support which we all need.
Share thisPost a CommentPrintSend this page to a friendSubscribe
56 Comments Posted
By Dr. Miriam Adahan More articles... | RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Dr. Miriam Adahan is a psychologist, therapist, prolific author and founder of EMETT ("Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah") - a network of self-help groups dedicated to personal growth. Click here to visit her website.
About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children's books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London
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Is That J-Lo Style?
My Journey to Haircovering
by Linda Korn
It all started in the elevator at Time Warner in Los Angeles. I had recently wed. As a traditionally observant Jewish woman, to my own surprise, I began covering my hair every day.
As a baal teshuvah (one who returned to an observant Jewish life) who took on many mitzvahs, Jewish commandments, over a span of several years, the one remaining question around Pico/Robertson was: would I be covering my hair?
I did not know myself whether I would be ready to take on this challenging mitzvah, but I knew for sure that I would at least wear a hat to synagogue and to any Jewish events.
I took my private kallah (bridal) classes with the Rebbetzin before getting married and learned about all the origins of this mitzvah as well as all of the wonderful side effects this could have on my marriage and family.
Well, being someone who likes to do things right and do the right thing, I knew I'd be taking on this mitzvah, as much as I could. Besides, I've always loved wearing hats. My J-Date photo, before I was observant, was of me in a hat!
This felt different and ethnic, and committed So as it were, I began covering my hair with hats that would cover at least the crown of my head, and the rest of my hair would come waving down just past my shoulders. This felt different and ethnic, and committed. I liked it! So instead of donning the cap just when I figured other Jews would see me, I kept my head covered at all times I was out of our house. From the day after the wedding forward I simply could not turn back. I was forever changed. I was now Mrs. and that meant there was only one man who would see my full head of hair, and that was my husband.
A few months after the wedding, we traveled to Israel for our honeymoon and my first visit there ever! Worries about what I would do if I didn't feel anything there faded away the moment I stepped off of the plane onto Israeli soil, or, actually, tile floor in the airport. I felt like I was home. This was MY land.
So while I was "home", I felt comfortable to experiment with different Israeli fashions. One of them was the wonderful way of tying head scarves which a cool, hip, young Israeli sales girl helped me with in the Bat Ayin boutique in Jerusalem.
I wrapped all my hair into these beautiful colorful scarves and let the long corners of the scarf hang around my shoulders like strands of hair themselves. (My husband loves this look.)
I felt exotic and Jewish and committed.
That was it, my hair did not fall down onto my shoulders in public again. My hair remained and remains hidden under a hat or scarf.
I thought I was getting way too much attention Back in LA, people at work started to notice that I always wore a hat. The comments began to flow. "You must really love hats", "Do you have like 100 hats at home?" "Is this a new thing since you got married?", "Are you going to cover your hair every day, for the rest of your life!?"...
That question actually caught me by surprise. I never thought about it in terms of the rest of my life. I was just getting up every day and covering my hair. But the truth was, I was having that "committed" feeling along with it, and I knew I was going to be Jewish for the rest of my life, and I knew I planned to be married for the rest of my life, so all of a sudden I realized, "yes, I suppose I am going to cover my hair every day, for the rest of my life". The person who asked me seemed shocked that I would be able to or want to do this. But I thought of all the crazy choices that people make in their lives and all the alternative ways in which people live and the things that people do every day, and was this so crazy? No, it felt absolutely freeing and positively personal and real...and Jewish...and committed.
The hats and scarves have led to many great discussions with Jews and non-Jews alike and many admire me for the choice. But the all time greatest head covering moment, and the moment that KosherCool was born, took place in the elevator at Time Warner, where I worked in Los Angeles, California. The people in the building worked for the various Time, Inc magazines, such as People, Teen People, Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated, and many other "fashionable" magazines. Although I worked in audiobooks, these are the people I shared office space with every day.
As the doors of the elevator slid open, I stepped onto the car with a couple of other women; we all smiled and said "good morning". I was wearing a brown feux suede cap that day with my hair tucked inside.
One stylish woman says to me, "What style are you wearing? Is that J-Lo style?"
"No," I said, "it's not J-Lo style, it's just my own style."
"It's great", she said
And what I was really thinking inside was "Uh, it's observant Jewish married woman style?"
Who'd have guessed? Was I going to be the next cover of In Style?
Well, no, I wasn't going to make the cover, but I suddenly realized that head coverings were "cool". In fact, they were KosherCool!
At first, I thought I was getting way too much attention for doing something that is supposed to be a gesture of modesty. But I soon realized that all the sincere conversation about Jewish life that emerged from simple questions about my "cool wrap" or "nice hat" provided the cross cultural forum for creating positive views of Jews, for clearing up myths about orthodoxy, for connecting with other Jews of all kinds, and for making deeper and more real connections with people in general, and most importantly for living a committed life.
I love this committed feeling. Even when there are days that I don't feel like covering my hair, that I think I might look "prettier" with my hair down, days that I can't find a hat or scarf to match my outfit, I do it. I cover my hair anyway, because that's who I am, because I'm Jewish, and because I'm committed, and because there is only one man who will see my full head of hair.
And now when anyone asks me what style I'm wearing, I tell them "It's KosherCool!"
Is That J-Lo Style?
My Journey to Haircovering
by Linda Korn
It all started in the elevator at Time Warner in Los Angeles. I had recently wed. As a traditionally observant Jewish woman, to my own surprise, I began covering my hair every day.
As a baal teshuvah (one who returned to an observant Jewish life) who took on many mitzvahs, Jewish commandments, over a span of several years, the one remaining question around Pico/Robertson was: would I be covering my hair?
I did not know myself whether I would be ready to take on this challenging mitzvah, but I knew for sure that I would at least wear a hat to synagogue and to any Jewish events.
I took my private kallah (bridal) classes with the Rebbetzin before getting married and learned about all the origins of this mitzvah as well as all of the wonderful side effects this could have on my marriage and family.
Well, being someone who likes to do things right and do the right thing, I knew I'd be taking on this mitzvah, as much as I could. Besides, I've always loved wearing hats. My J-Date photo, before I was observant, was of me in a hat!
This felt different and ethnic, and committed So as it were, I began covering my hair with hats that would cover at least the crown of my head, and the rest of my hair would come waving down just past my shoulders. This felt different and ethnic, and committed. I liked it! So instead of donning the cap just when I figured other Jews would see me, I kept my head covered at all times I was out of our house. From the day after the wedding forward I simply could not turn back. I was forever changed. I was now Mrs. and that meant there was only one man who would see my full head of hair, and that was my husband.
A few months after the wedding, we traveled to Israel for our honeymoon and my first visit there ever! Worries about what I would do if I didn't feel anything there faded away the moment I stepped off of the plane onto Israeli soil, or, actually, tile floor in the airport. I felt like I was home. This was MY land.
So while I was "home", I felt comfortable to experiment with different Israeli fashions. One of them was the wonderful way of tying head scarves which a cool, hip, young Israeli sales girl helped me with in the Bat Ayin boutique in Jerusalem.
I wrapped all my hair into these beautiful colorful scarves and let the long corners of the scarf hang around my shoulders like strands of hair themselves. (My husband loves this look.)
I felt exotic and Jewish and committed.
That was it, my hair did not fall down onto my shoulders in public again. My hair remained and remains hidden under a hat or scarf.
I thought I was getting way too much attention Back in LA, people at work started to notice that I always wore a hat. The comments began to flow. "You must really love hats", "Do you have like 100 hats at home?" "Is this a new thing since you got married?", "Are you going to cover your hair every day, for the rest of your life!?"...
That question actually caught me by surprise. I never thought about it in terms of the rest of my life. I was just getting up every day and covering my hair. But the truth was, I was having that "committed" feeling along with it, and I knew I was going to be Jewish for the rest of my life, and I knew I planned to be married for the rest of my life, so all of a sudden I realized, "yes, I suppose I am going to cover my hair every day, for the rest of my life". The person who asked me seemed shocked that I would be able to or want to do this. But I thought of all the crazy choices that people make in their lives and all the alternative ways in which people live and the things that people do every day, and was this so crazy? No, it felt absolutely freeing and positively personal and real...and Jewish...and committed.
The hats and scarves have led to many great discussions with Jews and non-Jews alike and many admire me for the choice. But the all time greatest head covering moment, and the moment that KosherCool was born, took place in the elevator at Time Warner, where I worked in Los Angeles, California. The people in the building worked for the various Time, Inc magazines, such as People, Teen People, Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated, and many other "fashionable" magazines. Although I worked in audiobooks, these are the people I shared office space with every day.
As the doors of the elevator slid open, I stepped onto the car with a couple of other women; we all smiled and said "good morning". I was wearing a brown feux suede cap that day with my hair tucked inside.
One stylish woman says to me, "What style are you wearing? Is that J-Lo style?"
"No," I said, "it's not J-Lo style, it's just my own style."
"It's great", she said
And what I was really thinking inside was "Uh, it's observant Jewish married woman style?"
Who'd have guessed? Was I going to be the next cover of In Style?
Well, no, I wasn't going to make the cover, but I suddenly realized that head coverings were "cool". In fact, they were KosherCool!
At first, I thought I was getting way too much attention for doing something that is supposed to be a gesture of modesty. But I soon realized that all the sincere conversation about Jewish life that emerged from simple questions about my "cool wrap" or "nice hat" provided the cross cultural forum for creating positive views of Jews, for clearing up myths about orthodoxy, for connecting with other Jews of all kinds, and for making deeper and more real connections with people in general, and most importantly for living a committed life.
I love this committed feeling. Even when there are days that I don't feel like covering my hair, that I think I might look "prettier" with my hair down, days that I can't find a hat or scarf to match my outfit, I do it. I cover my hair anyway, because that's who I am, because I'm Jewish, and because I'm committed, and because there is only one man who will see my full head of hair.
And now when anyone asks me what style I'm wearing, I tell them "It's KosherCool!"
Uncovering the Mystery of Modesty
|
A few years ago, my family and I spent our summer vacation up north in Tzfat, leaving our home in Central Israel for a few days. We were located smack in the heart of Tzfat's Old City, right next to the Artist Quarter. We thought it would be a great place to take in the holiness of ancient times and for our children to have the freedom to run around in a small, quiet, almost village-like setting. What we didn't know was that every day hundreds of young American college students would be pouring through, right outside our door, as they made their way from the Artist's Quarter to the other parts of the Old City. My husband and I decided to take the opportunity to reach out to these young men and women. I breathed deeply and did my best to explain So I went over to one of the women and asked, "Hi, I see you are touring Israel. I was wondering if you have any questions that you'd like to ask a fellow English speaker." She looked a little surprised, but after a couple of seconds, she asked, "Yeah, I was actually wondering about something. Why do the women cover themselves up so much?" I only had a few minutes, as they were standing outside an ancient synagogue, waiting for their turn to go in. I breathed deeply and did my best to explain one of the most misunderstood aspects of Judaism. A quick glance at an Orthodox community raises questions in the mind of one brought up in western culture. Why do they cover themselves up so much? Isn't it hot? What are they hiding? Where do they come from? Get with the times! One of the most misunderstood Hebrew words is tzniut, often translated as modesty. Tzniut is a concept highly valued in traditional Judaism, not only as an ideal for women to strive for, but for men as well. It is lauded as a most noble virtue, as proven by the Rabbinic statement, "There is nothing more beautiful than modesty." This idea hits western culture straight in the nose. In a world of "If you got it, flaunt it," modesty is a trait to be avoided, something primitive, reminding us of images of some ancient family photo of a stiff great-grandmother from Europe. We've outgrown that concept, haven't we? But Judaism is an eternal religion. There's no such thing as a Jewish law being outdated. Jews have been living within in the guidelines of the Torah for thousands of years, and they will continue to do so. Since the Torah does not demand from us what is archaic or not fair, perhaps our concept of tzniut needs to be re-examined. One of the first mentions of tzniuts is in Midrash Tanchuma on Parshat Ki Sisah, which discusses the giving of the first Tablets (two stones on which were inscribed the Ten Commandments) to the Jewish people. This took place with elaborate fanfare, which the whole world knew about. The end result was the golden calf and a broken set of tablets. Our Creator then decided to give us the second tablets in a more private manner—a small, quiet event, between G?d and the Jewish people. That was when G?d said: "There is nothing more beautiful than tzniut," a word which would more accurately be translated as privacy. When something is secret, it's special Privacy. Not quite as annoying a word as "modesty." After all, who doesn't value privacy? Children throughout the world enjoy secret clubhouses or private codes. And adults cherish private letters that they stash away at the back of their drawer, or call their spouses and children nicknames that only family members know the true meaning of. When something is secret, it's special. When something is private, it shows that we admire and appreciate it. Disclosing it to the public would degrade it and take away some of the exclusivity of whatever it is that we want to keep private. But what exactly are we trying to hide? After all, Americans pride themselves on their openness and genuineness. By covering myself up, am I not simply putting on a front? Let's put that question on the back burner for a moment. Let's talk about people. That is, what makes people who they are? If I were to describe my friend, I might say she is thin, dark haired and short. But is that who she really is? That could describe tens of people at any gathering (especially if it's a Jewish function). Even if I would give a very detailed physical description, does that give a true portrait of my friend? Hopefully not. Hopefully, my friend has much deeper characteristics—such as thoughtfulness, generosity and patience. Or perhaps she is analytical and fair. If someone had to describe you, would you want them to solely focus on how you look? Would someone want their epitaph to say, "He was blonde, tall, and a little heavy."? Most thinking people hope that after they pass on, they will be remembered for their inner noble qualities. Because they know that these are the qualities that really count, the traits that made their life worth living. Now let's go back to our question. What is the purpose of tzniut? What are we covering up when we follow the Torah's guidelines of proper dress? More important than what we are covering is what we are exposing. The most prominent parts of the body that are allowed to be seen are the face and the hands. These two body parts express the inner self. The face reveals who we are: the smile, the eyes (which are windows to the soul), facial expressions, etc. Our hands represent what we do, our endeavors in life. Here we have it: the face and the hands, people's inner content and their accomplishments. In other words, the part of ourselves that we may share with others is the spiritual self. She is exposing her real self When people dress in accordance with the laws of tzniut, they are achieving two goals. Firstly, they are keeping private what should be private, thus enhancing the special intimacy between husband and wife. Additionally, they are allowing the outside world to get a true glimpse of who they really are. Not only are the laws of tzniut not sexist, they actually serve to curb sexism. A woman who follows the laws of tzniut is ensuring that others see her for who she really is, not just for how she looks. When a woman covers up her body, she is not hiding her true identity. To the contrary, she is exposing her real self. The greatly misunderstood concept of tzniut is actually a beautiful idea, integral to a spiritual life. Jewish philosophy speaks of many great rewards for those who follow these laws carefully, such as protection from physical harm , fertility and particularly bearing children who love Torah. But besides the payment promised, men and women who make tzniut a part of their lives will see benefits in improved relationships with others and a better sense of self. So who is tzniut for anyway? Yes, it is to help others guard their eyes from what they should not see. But tzniut also tremendously enriches those who make the effort to incorporate it into their lives. |
Uncovering the Mystery of Modesty
|
A few years ago, my family and I spent our summer vacation up north in Tzfat, leaving our home in Central Israel for a few days. We were located smack in the heart of Tzfat's Old City, right next to the Artist Quarter. We thought it would be a great place to take in the holiness of ancient times and for our children to have the freedom to run around in a small, quiet, almost village-like setting. What we didn't know was that every day hundreds of young American college students would be pouring through, right outside our door, as they made their way from the Artist's Quarter to the other parts of the Old City. My husband and I decided to take the opportunity to reach out to these young men and women. I breathed deeply and did my best to explain So I went over to one of the women and asked, "Hi, I see you are touring Israel. I was wondering if you have any questions that you'd like to ask a fellow English speaker." She looked a little surprised, but after a couple of seconds, she asked, "Yeah, I was actually wondering about something. Why do the women cover themselves up so much?" I only had a few minutes, as they were standing outside an ancient synagogue, waiting for their turn to go in. I breathed deeply and did my best to explain one of the most misunderstood aspects of Judaism. A quick glance at an Orthodox community raises questions in the mind of one brought up in western culture. Why do they cover themselves up so much? Isn't it hot? What are they hiding? Where do they come from? Get with the times! One of the most misunderstood Hebrew words is tzniut, often translated as modesty. Tzniut is a concept highly valued in traditional Judaism, not only as an ideal for women to strive for, but for men as well. It is lauded as a most noble virtue, as proven by the Rabbinic statement, "There is nothing more beautiful than modesty." This idea hits western culture straight in the nose. In a world of "If you got it, flaunt it," modesty is a trait to be avoided, something primitive, reminding us of images of some ancient family photo of a stiff great-grandmother from Europe. We've outgrown that concept, haven't we? But Judaism is an eternal religion. There's no such thing as a Jewish law being outdated. Jews have been living within in the guidelines of the Torah for thousands of years, and they will continue to do so. Since the Torah does not demand from us what is archaic or not fair, perhaps our concept of tzniut needs to be re-examined. One of the first mentions of tzniuts is in Midrash Tanchuma on Parshat Ki Sisah, which discusses the giving of the first Tablets (two stones on which were inscribed the Ten Commandments) to the Jewish people. This took place with elaborate fanfare, which the whole world knew about. The end result was the golden calf and a broken set of tablets. Our Creator then decided to give us the second tablets in a more private manner—a small, quiet event, between G?d and the Jewish people. That was when G?d said: "There is nothing more beautiful than tzniut," a word which would more accurately be translated as privacy. When something is secret, it's special Privacy. Not quite as annoying a word as "modesty." After all, who doesn't value privacy? Children throughout the world enjoy secret clubhouses or private codes. And adults cherish private letters that they stash away at the back of their drawer, or call their spouses and children nicknames that only family members know the true meaning of. When something is secret, it's special. When something is private, it shows that we admire and appreciate it. Disclosing it to the public would degrade it and take away some of the exclusivity of whatever it is that we want to keep private. But what exactly are we trying to hide? After all, Americans pride themselves on their openness and genuineness. By covering myself up, am I not simply putting on a front? Let's put that question on the back burner for a moment. Let's talk about people. That is, what makes people who they are? If I were to describe my friend, I might say she is thin, dark haired and short. But is that who she really is? That could describe tens of people at any gathering (especially if it's a Jewish function). Even if I would give a very detailed physical description, does that give a true portrait of my friend? Hopefully not. Hopefully, my friend has much deeper characteristics—such as thoughtfulness, generosity and patience. Or perhaps she is analytical and fair. If someone had to describe you, would you want them to solely focus on how you look? Would someone want their epitaph to say, "He was blonde, tall, and a little heavy."? Most thinking people hope that after they pass on, they will be remembered for their inner noble qualities. Because they know that these are the qualities that really count, the traits that made their life worth living. Now let's go back to our question. What is the purpose of tzniut? What are we covering up when we follow the Torah's guidelines of proper dress? More important than what we are covering is what we are exposing. The most prominent parts of the body that are allowed to be seen are the face and the hands. These two body parts express the inner self. The face reveals who we are: the smile, the eyes (which are windows to the soul), facial expressions, etc. Our hands represent what we do, our endeavors in life. Here we have it: the face and the hands, people's inner content and their accomplishments. In other words, the part of ourselves that we may share with others is the spiritual self. She is exposing her real self When people dress in accordance with the laws of tzniut, they are achieving two goals. Firstly, they are keeping private what should be private, thus enhancing the special intimacy between husband and wife. Additionally, they are allowing the outside world to get a true glimpse of who they really are. Not only are the laws of tzniut not sexist, they actually serve to curb sexism. A woman who follows the laws of tzniut is ensuring that others see her for who she really is, not just for how she looks. When a woman covers up her body, she is not hiding her true identity. To the contrary, she is exposing her real self. The greatly misunderstood concept of tzniut is actually a beautiful idea, integral to a spiritual life. Jewish philosophy speaks of many great rewards for those who follow these laws carefully, such as protection from physical harm , fertility and particularly bearing children who love Torah. But besides the payment promised, men and women who make tzniut a part of their lives will see benefits in improved relationships with others and a better sense of self. So who is tzniut for anyway? Yes, it is to help others guard their eyes from what they should not see. But tzniut also tremendously enriches those who make the effort to incorporate it into their lives. |
Sunday, November 15, 2009
You are What you Wear
by: Gila Manolson
Tzniut (translated loosely as modesty) begins with a different way of looking at yourself. Usually, we perceive things simply as they appear on the surface. We look at a house and see its windows, doors, and roof. We look at a tree and see its trunk, branches, and leaves.
Yet every object or scene has more than one aspect to it, and if put in a different light, can become more than what it initially appeared to be. An old, gnarled tree becomes a stirring statement of the ability to endure and transcend time. Hebrew inscribed tombstone in a neglected Polish cemetery becomes a soul crying out from a lost world. Even a single object can take on very different or even opposite meanings. The Kotel (Western Wall) can be a symbol of mourning over the Jewish nation's fall from its former glory; yet, if viewed differently, that same wall can communicate hope and rebirth.
As a human being, you are the most multifaceted creation of all, and can be seen in an almost infinite number of ways. Upon meeting you for the first time, people may immediately see "stocky build" or "curly hair." After spending a bit of time with you, they may notice "artistic" or "athletic." After getting to know you, they may be able to see you as "emotionally complex" or "a highly abstract thinker." And just as others can view you on different planes, so, too, there are any number of ways in which you can view yourself.
Tzniut begins with looking past your more superficial layers and seeing who, on the deepest level, you are capable of being. Tzniut then means gradually learning how to convey an important message to others -- and instilling it in yourself.
The message that tzniut asks you to project is "internality": that of all the parts of you, it is your innermost self by which you want to be defined. In order to convey this message, you must know when and how to reveal your body, your abilities, and everything else that makes you up, so that these don't hide but instead express who you really are. The challenge of tzniut is to project every aspect of yourself in such a way that it draws the focus to your true identity.
Tzniut means knowing and communicating to others that your identity equals your innermost self. The way to project this message is to transform the outside layers of yourself into an expression of your inside. This can be difficult, for the more obvious, superficial parts of you can easily outshine your deeper dimensions. As any photographer knows, too much light can wash out the subtlety and beauty of a photograph. In the same way, when all of your own light shines unfiltered, your inner self can be lost from the picture.
The most outer, visible part of you, and that which can most easily destroy an internal self-image, is your physical self -- your body.
More Than Skin-Deep
According to Judaism, God wanted us to enjoy an existence in which our physicality wouldn't stand in the way of defining ourselves internally. God therefore gave the first man and woman a great gift: the inborn ability to see each other in their totality.
With this perfect vision, man and woman saw each other's outer self and inner self as one inseparable unit. When man looked at woman, he simultaneously saw her mind, heart, and spirit. At the same moment that woman appreciated man's appearance, she appreciated who he really was.
When man and woman made their fatal mistake in the Garden of Eden, they destroyed their vision. An illusion-creating screen was lowered in front of their eyes. Viewing each other through this screen, body and soul suddenly appeared to be two distinct entities. The physical self had seemingly disconnected from the spiritual self and assumed an independent identity. And the powerful light which the body now beamed outshone the light of the soul.
This fallen state describes the way we humans today view one another. For all of us, it is practically impossible not to identify a person with his or her outside.
To see how true this is, think of someone close to you whom you haven't seen for some time. Now imagine running into her and discovering that she's dyed her hair and completely restyled it, gained 100 pounds, and undergone cosmetic surgery which has radically changed her features. It's probably difficult for you to internalize the fact she is still the same person. We want to identify one another by our inner selves, but the ability eludes us.
Originally, when they saw body and soul as one, man and woman had been naked and unashamed. Now, for the first time, they instinctively felt the need to put something on.
The meaning we ascribe to clothes can be understood by looking at who we expect to wear them. For example, no one I know has ever exclaimed in shock, "That dog is walking the streets stark naked! Whatever has happened to decency?!" (While some poodles may wear sweaters, those who don't aren't held to be in flagrant violation of canine norms.)
We do expect a human being, however, under normal circumstances, to wear some amount of clothing. Yet how much depends largely upon his or her age. My neighbors found it adorably entertaining when one of my children, then a toddler, innocently showed up at their front door straight from the bathtub. If the same child were to repeat that behavior at age ten, however, I suspect they'd be less amused. And if the visitor were an adult, they'd probably slam the door, lock it, and call the police.
From the above examples, a theme emerges. The more we understand a being to have a beyond-physical dimension, the more of his or her body we expect to be covered. A dog can trot around au naturel without offending or even being thought of as "naked," since we understand (if animal lovers will please forgive me) that an animal is not much more than it appears to be -- an essentially physical being, governed by its senses and instincts. Because a baby's existence is similar to that of an animal, no one blushes at the
sight of its bare bottom; at the same time, we do call it "naked" in recognition of its human potential. A ten-year-old, however, is considerably more than an animal (although some parents may jokingly disagree), and a twenty-year-old even more so -- which is why an adult who parades around without clothes isn't called cute, but an exhibitionist.
Clothing, however, does more than distinguish between people and animals. Within adult society (despite deteriorating sensitivity to these issues), there's a distinct correlation between the mental and spiritual qualities we associate with a person in a given situation and how much of his or her body we expect to be covered. For example, it's socially acceptable to wear very little at the pool side, because sunning and swimming are activities which pertain to the physical you. It would not, however, be appropriate to receive a Nobel prize in your bathing suit. After their initial shock, those present would undoubtedly question, "Why is he dressing like a Mr. Universe contestant when he's being acclaimed for his mind?"
Covering your body, therefore, is the most fundamental way of using your outside to tell others who you are on the inside. Clothing makes the statement: "I am much more than what meets the eye. If you want to see the real me, you'll have to look deeper."
Reflected Images
What we often fail to realize is that the message of clothing is directed not only outward, to others, but also inward. What you wear powerfully affects how you see yourself.
Let's digress for a moment to the topic of style. Whether consciously or unconsciously chosen, your style of dress creates an impression of yourself in your own mind. For instance, I have a friend who got all dressed up to take her comprehensive exams for her Master's degree. When I jokingly asked her if she had a date with her professor, she replied, "Remember the book 'Dress for Success'? Looking my best helps give me the confidence I'm going to need to ace those exams."
I myself once read a book called "How to Marry the Rich" (just for fun anyway, I was already married). The author advises aspiring gold diggers to make a habit of entering exclusive boutiques and trying on the most expensive clothing available. The logic is that by repeatedly experiencing yourself in $1,000 dresses or suits, you'll come to see yourself as rich -- which will in turn give you the air necessary to successfully mingle with and meet millionaires.
Once, a participant in a program I was teaching in took issue with me, hotly denying any connection between his attire and his self-image. This guy "happened" to be wearing a faded T-shirt, torn jeans, and running shoes, as well as a beard and ponytail. So I told him, "Okay, if your appearance means nothing to you, come back tomorrow with a short haircut, clean-shaven, and in a three-piece suit." He stuttered and stammered, made a weak attempt at defending himself, and then sheepishly conceded the point.
All in all, when you put on clothes, you simultaneously put on a self-image. You can probably think of clothes you would never wear, even in the privacy of your own bedroom, simply because they're "not you." Indeed, the defensiveness, and even outright hostility, I often encounter when talking about the Jewish approach to dress testifies to how intensely our self-image is bound up with what we wear. People intuitively recognize that reconsidering their wardrobe ultimately means reconsidering who they want to be.
Public Arena
Despite the significance of style to self-image, however, the central issue in tzniut is not whether to dress rich or poor, earthy or businesslike. The important choice is whether to draw attention to who you are on the outside -- your body -- or the inside -- your being. You can dress any way you like, as long as you radiate the message that you are first and foremost not a body but a person.
When you enter the public arena, the impact of your dress on your self-image is compounded. First, others naturally respond to the statement you appear to be making. Stating "conventional" with a pinstriped suit and tie, for example, will get one kind of response, while broadcasting "unconventional" with Turkish pants and six or seven earrings will get another. More importantly, clothing which proclaims "body" will attract a response very different from clothing which projects "internal being."
This social feedback, particularly if positive, then cycles back into your self-image. Perceiving yourself more strongly in a particular light, you are now even more likely to dress the same way again. Sociologists call this "symbolic interactions": how you see yourself, how you dress, and how others respond to you create a spiral in which each reinforces the other, propelling you more and more strongly in a certain direction.
Of course, it helps to defend yourself. If, when whistled at by construction workers, a woman closes her eyes and recites, "I am a spiritual being, I am a spiritual being," she stands a better chance of surviving the experience with her selfhood intact than if she lives for such attention. But supposed clarity about your inner worth ("I know who I am no matter what") does not make you immune to how others relate to you. Simply put, it is naive to believe that repeated assaults -- even subtle ones -- won't slowly but surely erode a deeper sense of self. Social feedback is a major contributor to your self image.
Community Norms
Just as an individual's attire makes a "self-statement," a community's standards of dress make a collective statement about how its members unconsciously view and value themselves. Because we're conditioned to accept dressing a certain way as "normal," we usually can't identify the collective statement made by our own society -- until we step out of it.
When we were first married, my husband and I lived in the Old City of Jerusalem. Constantly barraged by tourists in all kinds of apparel, I maintained most of the immunity to minimally attired people I had acquired during my pre-religious life. Later, however, we moved to our present neighborhood, where it's unusual to see a person dressed "immodestly." One day, two or three years after our move, I was standing outside our building when a sports car pulled up and a couple got out. He had on skin-tight pants and a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest; she was sporting a low-cut blouse, a cling miniskirt, and spike heels. I looked at them, and my spontaneous, uncensored reaction was, "I don't get it. What's he trying to prove -- and why is she dressed like a streetwalker?"
Immediately I was startled and ashamed. How could I have thought such terrible things about two people I didn't even know? And why, after a lifetime of exposure to similarly dressed people, only now? Suddenly I realized that I'd once unconsciously accepted as "normal" men and (especially) women presenting themselves physically. After a few years of living among people whose dress reflected a deeper sense of self, I'd internalized a different norm. With an almost childlike innocence, I simply couldn't understand why these people would want to advertise themselves as bodies. What to them and their society was a normal mode of self-presentation, was to me like a neon sign flashing, "Objectify me!"
This couple, were they to be delivering a paper on neurosurgery at a medical convention, would undoubtedly dress differently. Yet it is in everyday living that most of our self-image is formed. In asking us to cover more of our bodies than the surrounding society demands, Judaism is saying that presenting ourselves primarily as minds and souls shouldn't be reserved for the odd occasion. Working, shopping, studying, socializing -- in our daily lives, spiritual self-definition should be the norm.
You are What you Wear
by: Gila Manolson
Tzniut (translated loosely as modesty) begins with a different way of looking at yourself. Usually, we perceive things simply as they appear on the surface. We look at a house and see its windows, doors, and roof. We look at a tree and see its trunk, branches, and leaves.
Yet every object or scene has more than one aspect to it, and if put in a different light, can become more than what it initially appeared to be. An old, gnarled tree becomes a stirring statement of the ability to endure and transcend time. Hebrew inscribed tombstone in a neglected Polish cemetery becomes a soul crying out from a lost world. Even a single object can take on very different or even opposite meanings. The Kotel (Western Wall) can be a symbol of mourning over the Jewish nation's fall from its former glory; yet, if viewed differently, that same wall can communicate hope and rebirth.
As a human being, you are the most multifaceted creation of all, and can be seen in an almost infinite number of ways. Upon meeting you for the first time, people may immediately see "stocky build" or "curly hair." After spending a bit of time with you, they may notice "artistic" or "athletic." After getting to know you, they may be able to see you as "emotionally complex" or "a highly abstract thinker." And just as others can view you on different planes, so, too, there are any number of ways in which you can view yourself.
Tzniut begins with looking past your more superficial layers and seeing who, on the deepest level, you are capable of being. Tzniut then means gradually learning how to convey an important message to others -- and instilling it in yourself.
The message that tzniut asks you to project is "internality": that of all the parts of you, it is your innermost self by which you want to be defined. In order to convey this message, you must know when and how to reveal your body, your abilities, and everything else that makes you up, so that these don't hide but instead express who you really are. The challenge of tzniut is to project every aspect of yourself in such a way that it draws the focus to your true identity.
Tzniut means knowing and communicating to others that your identity equals your innermost self. The way to project this message is to transform the outside layers of yourself into an expression of your inside. This can be difficult, for the more obvious, superficial parts of you can easily outshine your deeper dimensions. As any photographer knows, too much light can wash out the subtlety and beauty of a photograph. In the same way, when all of your own light shines unfiltered, your inner self can be lost from the picture.
The most outer, visible part of you, and that which can most easily destroy an internal self-image, is your physical self -- your body.
More Than Skin-Deep
According to Judaism, God wanted us to enjoy an existence in which our physicality wouldn't stand in the way of defining ourselves internally. God therefore gave the first man and woman a great gift: the inborn ability to see each other in their totality.
With this perfect vision, man and woman saw each other's outer self and inner self as one inseparable unit. When man looked at woman, he simultaneously saw her mind, heart, and spirit. At the same moment that woman appreciated man's appearance, she appreciated who he really was.
When man and woman made their fatal mistake in the Garden of Eden, they destroyed their vision. An illusion-creating screen was lowered in front of their eyes. Viewing each other through this screen, body and soul suddenly appeared to be two distinct entities. The physical self had seemingly disconnected from the spiritual self and assumed an independent identity. And the powerful light which the body now beamed outshone the light of the soul.
This fallen state describes the way we humans today view one another. For all of us, it is practically impossible not to identify a person with his or her outside.
To see how true this is, think of someone close to you whom you haven't seen for some time. Now imagine running into her and discovering that she's dyed her hair and completely restyled it, gained 100 pounds, and undergone cosmetic surgery which has radically changed her features. It's probably difficult for you to internalize the fact she is still the same person. We want to identify one another by our inner selves, but the ability eludes us.
Originally, when they saw body and soul as one, man and woman had been naked and unashamed. Now, for the first time, they instinctively felt the need to put something on.
The meaning we ascribe to clothes can be understood by looking at who we expect to wear them. For example, no one I know has ever exclaimed in shock, "That dog is walking the streets stark naked! Whatever has happened to decency?!" (While some poodles may wear sweaters, those who don't aren't held to be in flagrant violation of canine norms.)
We do expect a human being, however, under normal circumstances, to wear some amount of clothing. Yet how much depends largely upon his or her age. My neighbors found it adorably entertaining when one of my children, then a toddler, innocently showed up at their front door straight from the bathtub. If the same child were to repeat that behavior at age ten, however, I suspect they'd be less amused. And if the visitor were an adult, they'd probably slam the door, lock it, and call the police.
From the above examples, a theme emerges. The more we understand a being to have a beyond-physical dimension, the more of his or her body we expect to be covered. A dog can trot around au naturel without offending or even being thought of as "naked," since we understand (if animal lovers will please forgive me) that an animal is not much more than it appears to be -- an essentially physical being, governed by its senses and instincts. Because a baby's existence is similar to that of an animal, no one blushes at the
sight of its bare bottom; at the same time, we do call it "naked" in recognition of its human potential. A ten-year-old, however, is considerably more than an animal (although some parents may jokingly disagree), and a twenty-year-old even more so -- which is why an adult who parades around without clothes isn't called cute, but an exhibitionist.
Clothing, however, does more than distinguish between people and animals. Within adult society (despite deteriorating sensitivity to these issues), there's a distinct correlation between the mental and spiritual qualities we associate with a person in a given situation and how much of his or her body we expect to be covered. For example, it's socially acceptable to wear very little at the pool side, because sunning and swimming are activities which pertain to the physical you. It would not, however, be appropriate to receive a Nobel prize in your bathing suit. After their initial shock, those present would undoubtedly question, "Why is he dressing like a Mr. Universe contestant when he's being acclaimed for his mind?"
Covering your body, therefore, is the most fundamental way of using your outside to tell others who you are on the inside. Clothing makes the statement: "I am much more than what meets the eye. If you want to see the real me, you'll have to look deeper."
Reflected Images
What we often fail to realize is that the message of clothing is directed not only outward, to others, but also inward. What you wear powerfully affects how you see yourself.
Let's digress for a moment to the topic of style. Whether consciously or unconsciously chosen, your style of dress creates an impression of yourself in your own mind. For instance, I have a friend who got all dressed up to take her comprehensive exams for her Master's degree. When I jokingly asked her if she had a date with her professor, she replied, "Remember the book 'Dress for Success'? Looking my best helps give me the confidence I'm going to need to ace those exams."
I myself once read a book called "How to Marry the Rich" (just for fun anyway, I was already married). The author advises aspiring gold diggers to make a habit of entering exclusive boutiques and trying on the most expensive clothing available. The logic is that by repeatedly experiencing yourself in $1,000 dresses or suits, you'll come to see yourself as rich -- which will in turn give you the air necessary to successfully mingle with and meet millionaires.
Once, a participant in a program I was teaching in took issue with me, hotly denying any connection between his attire and his self-image. This guy "happened" to be wearing a faded T-shirt, torn jeans, and running shoes, as well as a beard and ponytail. So I told him, "Okay, if your appearance means nothing to you, come back tomorrow with a short haircut, clean-shaven, and in a three-piece suit." He stuttered and stammered, made a weak attempt at defending himself, and then sheepishly conceded the point.
All in all, when you put on clothes, you simultaneously put on a self-image. You can probably think of clothes you would never wear, even in the privacy of your own bedroom, simply because they're "not you." Indeed, the defensiveness, and even outright hostility, I often encounter when talking about the Jewish approach to dress testifies to how intensely our self-image is bound up with what we wear. People intuitively recognize that reconsidering their wardrobe ultimately means reconsidering who they want to be.
Public Arena
Despite the significance of style to self-image, however, the central issue in tzniut is not whether to dress rich or poor, earthy or businesslike. The important choice is whether to draw attention to who you are on the outside -- your body -- or the inside -- your being. You can dress any way you like, as long as you radiate the message that you are first and foremost not a body but a person.
When you enter the public arena, the impact of your dress on your self-image is compounded. First, others naturally respond to the statement you appear to be making. Stating "conventional" with a pinstriped suit and tie, for example, will get one kind of response, while broadcasting "unconventional" with Turkish pants and six or seven earrings will get another. More importantly, clothing which proclaims "body" will attract a response very different from clothing which projects "internal being."
This social feedback, particularly if positive, then cycles back into your self-image. Perceiving yourself more strongly in a particular light, you are now even more likely to dress the same way again. Sociologists call this "symbolic interactions": how you see yourself, how you dress, and how others respond to you create a spiral in which each reinforces the other, propelling you more and more strongly in a certain direction.
Of course, it helps to defend yourself. If, when whistled at by construction workers, a woman closes her eyes and recites, "I am a spiritual being, I am a spiritual being," she stands a better chance of surviving the experience with her selfhood intact than if she lives for such attention. But supposed clarity about your inner worth ("I know who I am no matter what") does not make you immune to how others relate to you. Simply put, it is naive to believe that repeated assaults -- even subtle ones -- won't slowly but surely erode a deeper sense of self. Social feedback is a major contributor to your self image.
Community Norms
Just as an individual's attire makes a "self-statement," a community's standards of dress make a collective statement about how its members unconsciously view and value themselves. Because we're conditioned to accept dressing a certain way as "normal," we usually can't identify the collective statement made by our own society -- until we step out of it.
When we were first married, my husband and I lived in the Old City of Jerusalem. Constantly barraged by tourists in all kinds of apparel, I maintained most of the immunity to minimally attired people I had acquired during my pre-religious life. Later, however, we moved to our present neighborhood, where it's unusual to see a person dressed "immodestly." One day, two or three years after our move, I was standing outside our building when a sports car pulled up and a couple got out. He had on skin-tight pants and a shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest; she was sporting a low-cut blouse, a cling miniskirt, and spike heels. I looked at them, and my spontaneous, uncensored reaction was, "I don't get it. What's he trying to prove -- and why is she dressed like a streetwalker?"
Immediately I was startled and ashamed. How could I have thought such terrible things about two people I didn't even know? And why, after a lifetime of exposure to similarly dressed people, only now? Suddenly I realized that I'd once unconsciously accepted as "normal" men and (especially) women presenting themselves physically. After a few years of living among people whose dress reflected a deeper sense of self, I'd internalized a different norm. With an almost childlike innocence, I simply couldn't understand why these people would want to advertise themselves as bodies. What to them and their society was a normal mode of self-presentation, was to me like a neon sign flashing, "Objectify me!"
This couple, were they to be delivering a paper on neurosurgery at a medical convention, would undoubtedly dress differently. Yet it is in everyday living that most of our self-image is formed. In asking us to cover more of our bodies than the surrounding society demands, Judaism is saying that presenting ourselves primarily as minds and souls shouldn't be reserved for the odd occasion. Working, shopping, studying, socializing -- in our daily lives, spiritual self-definition should be the norm.
The Abandoned Baby Syndrome
Who Is Loving Our Children?
By Dr. Miriam Adahan
A well-known rabbi once said to me, "Never write anything controversial. You'll only make enemies, and it won't help." So I hesitated to write this article, knowing that 70% of mothers work and that most will continue to do so. But if this article makes even one woman think twice about returning to full-time work before her baby is 6 months of age, then it is worth the anger which may be directed my way.
I'm not opposed to women working. Many families cannot survive unless the mother works. But people must be aware that the child's emotional development is likely to be affected if she abandons her baby at 2 to 12 weeks. As a psychotherapist, I see the results of severe "mother deficit" daily. When a baby is not allowed to form a secure bond with a loving mother during his crucial first years of life, the damage can be irreversible--no less so than the damage caused to babies who do not get sufficient Vitamin B, C or D. A lack of vitamin L (Love!) can manifest itself in lifelong struggle with anxiety, depression, addictions and abuse disorders. To children, time is love. They sense the hypocrisy when parents proclaim, "I love you but don't have time for you."
When a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker I was 28 when my first child was born and felt lucky to be able to stay home for four years with her. Yet while I loved her dearly, I did suffer from loneliness as well as lack of intellectual stimulation and financial independence. Thus, seven years later, after my second child was born, I found a teaching job at a day-school near my home for three hours each morning. I gave most of my salary to a loving grandmother named Lori who did nothing but cuddle him and play with him. It was good for me to get away--I needed the structure and creative outlet which only teaching gives me. But by the time my third was born, two years later, I saw that I lacked the physical and emotional stamina to be both a good day-school teacher and a good mother. I am simply not one of those super-efficient, highly organized, energetic superwomen that we'd all like to be. So I switched to evening adult education, which was far less demanding, but provided the interaction I craved.
I am heartbroken when working mothers tell me, "I have no time to love my children. I'm on a treadmill, racing to keep up with all the demands, trying to stay one step ahead of the feared nervous breakdown. Yes, I hit and yell a lot; I'm too overwhelmed to be patient or creative." How will their children learn to love if they've never experienced love?
While working moms tend to suffer from over-stimulation, the at-home mom may feel under-stimulated and isolated, which is also painful. She may look enviously at her well-dressed neighbors who leave home for a day filled with stimulating challenges, or at least adult social interaction. She may think they are advancing intellectually and economically while she is at a standstill, unable to fulfill her intellectual or creative potential. She may be envious of the financial perks and decision-making powers afforded women who can decide on their own what to do with their earnings.
Love has become a rare commodity True, being an at-home mom does not guarantee emotional health in children. If at-home moms are depressed or addicted or bitter about having to do what they see as boring, repetitive chores, they will convey their anger in hundreds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. And mothers who over-pamper and over-protect may also raise selfish spoiled brats who have no idea how to wash a dish or figure out solutions to their problems. We all have to find a path that satisfies our own needs without sacrificing our children's welfare.
But it is tragic that our schools provide no training for motherhood and that the job of mothering is not given the respect and glory it rightfully deserves. Does G-d imbue us with all the wondrous instincts and capabilities of motherhood only that we should abandon our babies immediately after birth? Is it a matter of debate whether babies need their mothers' love? Why do people think that it does not matter who diapers or feeds a child? It matters greatly! A child is already emotionally bonded to his mother in the womb, attached to her voice and her heart rhythms. When a mother looks lovingly into her baby's eyes and is in frequent eye contact with him, she feeds his neshama, building a sense of trust in himself and in his ability to love and be loved.
Nowadays, the typical working mother has a "killer schedule" which goes something like this: "The alarm rings at 6 a.m. I must get three children, including a 6 week old baby, off to baby-sitters and be at the school where I teach by 8 a.m. I try to pump milk in the bathroom, but that means giving up my lunchtime, so I grab some nosh to get me through the day. I get home between 2 and 3 in the afternoon, depending on whether I must attend school meetings, try to sleep for an hour while the children play by themselves, but the older two often fight, which wakes me up. I must then cook, feed them and get them bathed and off to sleep, then clean the house, prepare lessons for the next day and talk to parents who call to consult with me. Then I collapse in bed. My husband complains that I'm not the happy person I used to be. I'm so on-edge that I can't relax and so tired that I just want to be left alone."
Studies have shown that when a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker. Since caretakers also know that this is a short-term arrangement, they, too, avoid becoming emotionally invested. When a mother picks her baby up after work, he may not know who she is and may look at her with apathy or fright, which she may take as a sign of rejection. He has spent the day learning how not to connect, not to cry or reach out for comfort, because there is no comfort to be gotten. While some will view apathy as a sign that he is a "good" baby, this pattern can hamp
er his ability to bond as an adult. While many people can handle this lifestyle and remain emotionally well-adjusted, for many, it is tragically cruel and inhumane.
Furthermore, while it is economic necessity which forces many to work, other needs are present, such as the desire to escape the chaos and endless demands of home and also to find creative and intellectual fulfillment. Many mothers seek work in order to be in a structured atmosphere which provides a sense of competency and control, which may be lacking in the home, especially if she does not feel appreciated or adequate. Before marriage, many girls overestimate their abilities and blithely promise their future husbands that they can definitely work full time, not realizing how difficult it is to juggle work and family or leave a sick baby with a stranger. Her best efforts are given at work, where she feels valued and rewarded. By the time she gets home, she is likely to be depleted and overwhelmed by her children's needs. No mother can hold her baby in a relaxed and loving manner or attend to her older children's chatter when she is exhausted and distracted by the need to shop, cook, clean and deal with a thousand and one other chores.
Thus, it is no wonder that many "emotional orphans" are angry and unhappy. This is a natural consequence of a life which leaves no room for love. Mothers with Burned-Out Mom Syndrome and children with Abandoned Baby Syndrome display symptoms which are familiar to those who have been there.
Burned-Out Mother Syndrome:
*
Resentment: How does a working mom feel when she hears her baby cry at night because he is hungry, teething, or in pain from an ear infection? Knowing that she will not be able to function the next day without sleep, can she soothe him with the loving caresses that help him feel calm and safe? And will she have the patience to respond lovingly to her children's demands after a long day at work, or will she resent them for making her life even harder with their demands and messes?
*
Anxiety: Working women with young children have the highest level of stress hormones in the world. Sleep-deprivation (less then 7 hours) raises the cortisol level while vitamin B is reduced by the use of caffeine and sugar--quick energy-boosters relied upon by harried workers. Add to this the panic gripping working woman who discovers she, the babysitter or the baby is sick. A woman's nervous system is more sensitive than a man's, and the over-production of stress hormones and C-reactive protein damages the heart and other organs over time. It's no wonder that more and more women are suffering heart attacks in this frenzied age.
*
Guilt and Shame: We all hear stories about "superwomen" who manage full time jobs and large families and still be calm, have spotless homes, be involved in community events and entertain numerous guests. Those who don't work may feel like boring drudges in comparison, unable to fulfill their intellectual goals or creative potential, while the irritable and disorganized working moms feel ashamed that they cannot achieve superwoman status or that their children have emotional disturbances or are rebellious and are often blamed by society for these problems.
And what about the emotional orphans?
Abandoned Baby Syndrome:
*
Anxiety: Cuddling develops the nervous system and builds self-worth and trust in people. Later in life, those abandoned babies often develop addictions and anxiety disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and can be paranoid, insecure and untrusting. (Could one result of this "unbonded" generation be the high number of singles, many of whom have no idea what it means to be loved and to sustain, long-term, loving relationship with another human being?)
*
Depression: Babies mourn when left alone for long periods of time. The lack of touch and attention may result in a life-long sense of unworthiness and sadness. The unspoken message when the parent drops the child off is, "Your needs are not important. You don't really matter." Children make their own conclusions based on their experiences; abandoned babies learn to believe, "I must not be worthy of love if no one loves me." (Could this be one reason that prescriptions for mood stabilizers has risen 4000% in the last 10 years?)
*
Aggression: Many children become nasty and rebellious in their attempt to achieve a sense of power and win precious drops of attention. They don't care what others think and have not been trained to share or care or respect others' feelings. Small children are often left in the care of older siblings who resent the loss of freedom and resort to cruelty to get their younger siblings to cooperate.
There is no substitute for a mothers' love! Forget quality v. quantity. Children need soothing when they are in distress, not at a scheduled time.
Who will take the time and effort to instill positive character traits in our children, teach them self-restraint, teach them to share, stand up for their rights, deal with intense emotions, plan for the future and find non-violent solutions to problems? Who will protect them from abusers in schools and neighborhoods? Not the baby-sitter!
What Can You Do?
G-d chose to give you a child. You can choose to take responsibility for him or her:
1.
Stay home for at least the first 6 months of the child's life, which sets the foundation for his future mental and physical health.
2.
Smile--a lot! Happy mothers, whether they work or not, have more well-adjusted children.
3.
Try to find part-time work so that you are gone no more than four hours a day.
4.
Work at home. Can you do freelance work or start a computer-based business?
5.
When you do have time with the kids, enjoy them! Shut the phone off between 5-8 p.m. Cherish your time with them. Show interest in the things they care about. Tell them that they, not work, are your priority in life.
6.
Lower your material standards. You won't have the fanciest home or brand-name clothing, but you will, hopefully, have saner children.
7.
If you work, don't go off again in the early evening to classes or social events. Wait until the children are asleep. They need your presence to feel loved.
8.
Get your husband involved. Women are far happier, even if they are working, if their husbands are true partners who help with the chores and child-rearing.
Love has become a rare commodity. May we all do our best to give ourselves and our children the respect, appreciation and support which we all need.
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Dr. Miriam Adahan is a psychologist, therapist, prolific author and founder of EMETT ("Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah") - a network of self-help groups dedicated to personal growth. Click here to visit her website.
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The Abandoned Baby Syndrome
Who Is Loving Our Children?
By Dr. Miriam Adahan
A well-known rabbi once said to me, "Never write anything controversial. You'll only make enemies, and it won't help." So I hesitated to write this article, knowing that 70% of mothers work and that most will continue to do so. But if this article makes even one woman think twice about returning to full-time work before her baby is 6 months of age, then it is worth the anger which may be directed my way.
I'm not opposed to women working. Many families cannot survive unless the mother works. But people must be aware that the child's emotional development is likely to be affected if she abandons her baby at 2 to 12 weeks. As a psychotherapist, I see the results of severe "mother deficit" daily. When a baby is not allowed to form a secure bond with a loving mother during his crucial first years of life, the damage can be irreversible--no less so than the damage caused to babies who do not get sufficient Vitamin B, C or D. A lack of vitamin L (Love!) can manifest itself in lifelong struggle with anxiety, depression, addictions and abuse disorders. To children, time is love. They sense the hypocrisy when parents proclaim, "I love you but don't have time for you."
When a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker I was 28 when my first child was born and felt lucky to be able to stay home for four years with her. Yet while I loved her dearly, I did suffer from loneliness as well as lack of intellectual stimulation and financial independence. Thus, seven years later, after my second child was born, I found a teaching job at a day-school near my home for three hours each morning. I gave most of my salary to a loving grandmother named Lori who did nothing but cuddle him and play with him. It was good for me to get away--I needed the structure and creative outlet which only teaching gives me. But by the time my third was born, two years later, I saw that I lacked the physical and emotional stamina to be both a good day-school teacher and a good mother. I am simply not one of those super-efficient, highly organized, energetic superwomen that we'd all like to be. So I switched to evening adult education, which was far less demanding, but provided the interaction I craved.
I am heartbroken when working mothers tell me, "I have no time to love my children. I'm on a treadmill, racing to keep up with all the demands, trying to stay one step ahead of the feared nervous breakdown. Yes, I hit and yell a lot; I'm too overwhelmed to be patient or creative." How will their children learn to love if they've never experienced love?
While working moms tend to suffer from over-stimulation, the at-home mom may feel under-stimulated and isolated, which is also painful. She may look enviously at her well-dressed neighbors who leave home for a day filled with stimulating challenges, or at least adult social interaction. She may think they are advancing intellectually and economically while she is at a standstill, unable to fulfill her intellectual or creative potential. She may be envious of the financial perks and decision-making powers afforded women who can decide on their own what to do with their earnings.
Love has become a rare commodity True, being an at-home mom does not guarantee emotional health in children. If at-home moms are depressed or addicted or bitter about having to do what they see as boring, repetitive chores, they will convey their anger in hundreds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. And mothers who over-pamper and over-protect may also raise selfish spoiled brats who have no idea how to wash a dish or figure out solutions to their problems. We all have to find a path that satisfies our own needs without sacrificing our children's welfare.
But it is tragic that our schools provide no training for motherhood and that the job of mothering is not given the respect and glory it rightfully deserves. Does G-d imbue us with all the wondrous instincts and capabilities of motherhood only that we should abandon our babies immediately after birth? Is it a matter of debate whether babies need their mothers' love? Why do people think that it does not matter who diapers or feeds a child? It matters greatly! A child is already emotionally bonded to his mother in the womb, attached to her voice and her heart rhythms. When a mother looks lovingly into her baby's eyes and is in frequent eye contact with him, she feeds his neshama, building a sense of trust in himself and in his ability to love and be loved.
Nowadays, the typical working mother has a "killer schedule" which goes something like this: "The alarm rings at 6 a.m. I must get three children, including a 6 week old baby, off to baby-sitters and be at the school where I teach by 8 a.m. I try to pump milk in the bathroom, but that means giving up my lunchtime, so I grab some nosh to get me through the day. I get home between 2 and 3 in the afternoon, depending on whether I must attend school meetings, try to sleep for an hour while the children play by themselves, but the older two often fight, which wakes me up. I must then cook, feed them and get them bathed and off to sleep, then clean the house, prepare lessons for the next day and talk to parents who call to consult with me. Then I collapse in bed. My husband complains that I'm not the happy person I used to be. I'm so on-edge that I can't relax and so tired that I just want to be left alone."
Studies have shown that when a new mother knows that she will return to work within weeks of giving birth, she avoids bonding to her baby to lessen the pain of separation when she turns him over to a caretaker. Since caretakers also know that this is a short-term arrangement, they, too, avoid becoming emotionally invested. When a mother picks her baby up after work, he may not know who she is and may look at her with apathy or fright, which she may take as a sign of rejection. He has spent the day learning how not to connect, not to cry or reach out for comfort, because there is no comfort to be gotten. While some will view apathy as a sign that he is a "good" baby, this pattern can hamp
er his ability to bond as an adult. While many people can handle this lifestyle and remain emotionally well-adjusted, for many, it is tragically cruel and inhumane.
Furthermore, while it is economic necessity which forces many to work, other needs are present, such as the desire to escape the chaos and endless demands of home and also to find creative and intellectual fulfillment. Many mothers seek work in order to be in a structured atmosphere which provides a sense of competency and control, which may be lacking in the home, especially if she does not feel appreciated or adequate. Before marriage, many girls overestimate their abilities and blithely promise their future husbands that they can definitely work full time, not realizing how difficult it is to juggle work and family or leave a sick baby with a stranger. Her best efforts are given at work, where she feels valued and rewarded. By the time she gets home, she is likely to be depleted and overwhelmed by her children's needs. No mother can hold her baby in a relaxed and loving manner or attend to her older children's chatter when she is exhausted and distracted by the need to shop, cook, clean and deal with a thousand and one other chores.
Thus, it is no wonder that many "emotional orphans" are angry and unhappy. This is a natural consequence of a life which leaves no room for love. Mothers with Burned-Out Mom Syndrome and children with Abandoned Baby Syndrome display symptoms which are familiar to those who have been there.
Burned-Out Mother Syndrome:
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Resentment: How does a working mom feel when she hears her baby cry at night because he is hungry, teething, or in pain from an ear infection? Knowing that she will not be able to function the next day without sleep, can she soothe him with the loving caresses that help him feel calm and safe? And will she have the patience to respond lovingly to her children's demands after a long day at work, or will she resent them for making her life even harder with their demands and messes?
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Anxiety: Working women with young children have the highest level of stress hormones in the world. Sleep-deprivation (less then 7 hours) raises the cortisol level while vitamin B is reduced by the use of caffeine and sugar--quick energy-boosters relied upon by harried workers. Add to this the panic gripping working woman who discovers she, the babysitter or the baby is sick. A woman's nervous system is more sensitive than a man's, and the over-production of stress hormones and C-reactive protein damages the heart and other organs over time. It's no wonder that more and more women are suffering heart attacks in this frenzied age.
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Guilt and Shame: We all hear stories about "superwomen" who manage full time jobs and large families and still be calm, have spotless homes, be involved in community events and entertain numerous guests. Those who don't work may feel like boring drudges in comparison, unable to fulfill their intellectual goals or creative potential, while the irritable and disorganized working moms feel ashamed that they cannot achieve superwoman status or that their children have emotional disturbances or are rebellious and are often blamed by society for these problems.
And what about the emotional orphans?
Abandoned Baby Syndrome:
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Anxiety: Cuddling develops the nervous system and builds self-worth and trust in people. Later in life, those abandoned babies often develop addictions and anxiety disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and can be paranoid, insecure and untrusting. (Could one result of this "unbonded" generation be the high number of singles, many of whom have no idea what it means to be loved and to sustain, long-term, loving relationship with another human being?)
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Depression: Babies mourn when left alone for long periods of time. The lack of touch and attention may result in a life-long sense of unworthiness and sadness. The unspoken message when the parent drops the child off is, "Your needs are not important. You don't really matter." Children make their own conclusions based on their experiences; abandoned babies learn to believe, "I must not be worthy of love if no one loves me." (Could this be one reason that prescriptions for mood stabilizers has risen 4000% in the last 10 years?)
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Aggression: Many children become nasty and rebellious in their attempt to achieve a sense of power and win precious drops of attention. They don't care what others think and have not been trained to share or care or respect others' feelings. Small children are often left in the care of older siblings who resent the loss of freedom and resort to cruelty to get their younger siblings to cooperate.
There is no substitute for a mothers' love! Forget quality v. quantity. Children need soothing when they are in distress, not at a scheduled time.
Who will take the time and effort to instill positive character traits in our children, teach them self-restraint, teach them to share, stand up for their rights, deal with intense emotions, plan for the future and find non-violent solutions to problems? Who will protect them from abusers in schools and neighborhoods? Not the baby-sitter!
What Can You Do?
G-d chose to give you a child. You can choose to take responsibility for him or her:
1.
Stay home for at least the first 6 months of the child's life, which sets the foundation for his future mental and physical health.
2.
Smile--a lot! Happy mothers, whether they work or not, have more well-adjusted children.
3.
Try to find part-time work so that you are gone no more than four hours a day.
4.
Work at home. Can you do freelance work or start a computer-based business?
5.
When you do have time with the kids, enjoy them! Shut the phone off between 5-8 p.m. Cherish your time with them. Show interest in the things they care about. Tell them that they, not work, are your priority in life.
6.
Lower your material standards. You won't have the fanciest home or brand-name clothing, but you will, hopefully, have saner children.
7.
If you work, don't go off again in the early evening to classes or social events. Wait until the children are asleep. They need your presence to feel loved.
8.
Get your husband involved. Women are far happier, even if they are working, if their husbands are true partners who help with the chores and child-rearing.
Love has become a rare commodity. May we all do our best to give ourselves and our children the respect, appreciation and support which we all need.
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By Dr. Miriam Adahan More articles... | RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Dr. Miriam Adahan is a psychologist, therapist, prolific author and founder of EMETT ("Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah") - a network of self-help groups dedicated to personal growth. Click here to visit her website.
About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children's books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London
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